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Archive for August 7th, 2010

Pregnant No Mo’

So, it all started about two years ago.  My wife, Leah asked if we could have another child.  The idea of having three children did not appeal to me, so in my infinite wisdom, I said no.  I obviously put my foot down as man of the house.  Oh, wait, you already know how that story ends.  You see, my wife is persistent and believes that I should not get my way in all circumstances.  It turns out that is best for the relationship.  Huh? Who knew.

Almost 40 weeks ago we learned that she was pregnant after a very irrational fight.  It was the same with Isaac.  She turned into a crazy person, I was evil incarnate and she did not feel well.  She is pregnant.  We were about to have a baby.  Unfortunately, although she was super happy to be pregnant, our soon to be new child was not going to let her off so easy.  From about month two, she has been sick everyday.  Am i exaggerating? No.  When I say everyday, I literally mean sick and vomiting EVERY day for the next six months until the last day.  It was NOT fun for her, and it was certainly not fun for me.

During her first sonogram we learned that she was having a girl.  This was very exciting news for both of us.  Exciting for her because maybe, just maybe, the testosterone tide in the house would turn and she could have someone who did not want to have a peeing contest all the time in the house.  Again, not exaggerating.  Exciting for my family, as my mom as like 13 grandchildren, and this will be her first granddaughter.  Our daughter will be the most spoiled child on the planet.

We decide to call the fetus Guinness, because we both enjoy the beer, and we have visited its brewery in Ireland.  We found it better than calling the fetus, ‘fetus’ or ‘it’.  As we searched for baby names, Leah came across a baby name and shared it with the family at the dinner table.  Brett Jr. and I both laughed out loud when we heard it, seriously.  A clear rookie move on my part, and needless to say did not go over well with Leah.  In case you are wondering, the name stuck and will be introduced later.

Now, Leah is very natural.  Her first child, Isaac was a natural birth with a brief shot of drug to give her rest and lasted for about an hour.  To this day, she wishes she never had that drug.  So, to have our daughter completely natural, she decided to take Hypnobirthing classes.  She informed me that I was to take them as well.  Again, apparently my wants are not always needed for consideration (again, who knew?)  I wouldn’t say I hated hypnobirthing class more than a kick in the crotch, but it was close second.  I am not against hypnosis, but don’t teach it as legitimate science, which these two teachers, or at least one of them tried to convince the group.  Basically the premise is simple, if dogs, cats, elephants, primates, or tigers and bears (oh my) don’t feel pain during labor, neither should we.  STUPID!  Wrong on so many levels, but I don’t have time to explain why this premise is so flawed here.  Simple answer, the human head is huge compared to other animals.  Anyway, I digress.  So, labor pains are simply a cultural manifestation.  Ugghh!!  There were multiple times I wanted to argue with the teachers or just stab two forks in my ears.  But every so often you must take one for the team.

She was due July 29, and July 29 came and went with absolutely no sign of her being born any time soon.  Brett Jr. was due to go to his first overnight camp (YMCA) ever (which he LOVED by the way) and we were afraid she would be born while he was a way and he would miss it.  On August 6 we visited the doctor, and still not clear indication that she was on her way.  Our family also had bets on when the baby would arrive, Brett Jr. had August 7.  On August 6, the family drove an hour to pick up Brett and join him for dinner and participate in the last camp’s campfire ceremony.  After seeing Brett, who was glowing from both dirt and the joy of camp, we had dinner together and headed for the campfire.  Leah came out of the bathroom, looked at me and said we must go, now!  Her shorts were soaking wet and it wasn’t from falling in the toilet.

We were an hour from home and had to check out Brett and fast.  We were sad to miss his campfire, but we had good cause.  On the way out of the camp (very very very simple directions), I got lost and had NO idea where we were.   My wife’s contractions are now five minutes apart.  I find a local bar with a drunk woman sitting outside grooving to music and ask for directions.  Unclear whether to trust the woman, I have no choice and head through farmland to hopefully the highway.  We make it.  Contractions are coming fast and furious and I suggest I drop her off at the hospital first and then go to the house to pick up her stuff.  She insists on going home first.  I say she is crazy.  We go home first (See above).  We drop off the boys at a friends and head to the hospital.  I say let’s go to the emergency entrance, she says no, I’ll walk from the parking garage.  I say you’re crazy.  No way.  We walk from the parking garage (seriously).  She stands up out of the car and like in a movie about pregnancy, water falls to the ground like a popped water balloon.  I say wait here, and I go get a wheelchair.  She is laughing the entire time worrying about the car is going to smell because of her amniotic fluid.  “Would you like to go to the store and get some cleaning supplies and clean the car and then go to the hospital?”  She laughs.  “Can we go now?”  “Yes” she says.

The birthing center is practically full and the nurse appears visibly shocked that we have come to have our baby delivered.  After an “All hands on deck” we get a room.  Leah begins listening to her hypno CD and all is going well until the first REAL contraction hits.  I am called into service immediately.  Screw the CD, help me!  I spend the next several hours telling her stories both real and made-up about our experiences in water during each contraction.  To my surprise it works.

The baby’s heart rate keeps dropping.  During contractions it is worse.  Multiple times the heart beat stops.  The nurse crew comes in multiple times to get Leah to move and multiple times they get the heart rate back up.  Leah has no idea what is going on, but I am extremely concerned.  It is now time to push, and with zero medication, our baby is born … with the cord wrapped around her neck and she is purple.  The nurse, Linda (who was awesome) wants to take the baby.  Leah says no.  She has no idea what is going on.  Linda argues with Leah.  Leah is not budging and basically holding the entire staff hostage.  Linda, who I could tell was also strong willed and probably has a husband who also does not get his way all the time, stares down Leah, places the baby on her chest and works with the baby while on Leah’s chest.  The chord is removed, she gets the baby to cry, and what was once purple gradually turns pink.  Later, things are explained to Leah, but right then and there, I wanted to hug Nurse Linda.

So, at 3:11 am on August 7, 2010, weighing in at 8 pounds 11 ounces, 19.5 inches long, very late, but right on time, and even though she was born purple, her name was picked long before, it is with great pleasure that I introduce to you a very healthy and beautiful baby girl, Violet Ann Woods.

Later in the day I arrive to give mom flowers and a 4-pack of Guinness.  Leah is SUPER excited to see the Guinness.  That’s my girl.

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During the birth, Leah almost broke my hand as my wedding ring dug into my finger.  I should have taken it off in the beginning.  Rookie mistake.  I’m just sayin …

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