Archive for December 11th, 2011

So, I am very well aware that I have readers that have more than two kids.  I am also aware that I have more than two kids.  Nonetheless, my advice to everyone that will listen is simple: Never have more than two kids.

Granted, I am biased at the moment.  I am almost done with a multi-day stint of being on my own with my three kids.  My wife is out-of-town, and I am very much looking forward to her return.  I love my kids, but I am ready to be done.  I especially don’t get anyone that has more than two kids and is raising them alone.  Crazy!  My sister did that, and it is a wonder that she is still standing.  Let me give you a sense of one my typical days in the last week:

5:30 am – My one-year-old makes enough noise to wake me up.  I ignore her (Don’t judge me).

5:35 am – She is ramping up the noise.

5:40 am – She is quiet.  Yeahh!

5:45 am – She shakes her crib like a convicted felon screaming her innocence.

5:46 am – We head down to the kitchen to get breakfast.  She eats a waffle with peanut butter, three eggs and orange juice.

6:30 am – My four-year-old wakes up.  I fix him blueberry waffles with peanut butter and syrup.

6:40 am – My twelve-year-old arrives.  Luckily for me he is self-sufficient and fixes his own breakfast.  We chat about his homework, and I make sure that he has everything he needs for school and is dressed warmly enough for riding his bike.  Unfortunately, the temperature has dropped severely.  It is too cold for him to ride his bike.

7:30 am – Everyone is dressed, cleaned, teeth brushed and it is time to load the car.  Drop oldest off at middle school and then on my way to day-care to drop of the two youngest.

8:00 am – Biggest sigh of relief as every child is now under someone else’s care.  Awesome.

I will now gloss over the work details, but simply summarize as, hour drive to work, 9-5 busy day, ride home, pick up my oldest on my way to daycare, and arrive approximately 5:55 pm, five minutes before they close.  Exhausted.

Do I drive home and fix a dinner for everyone?  Hell no.  It is McDonald’s time.  Now, as a family, especially my wife, we are not a huge fan of McDonald’s.  Mainly because of its lack of healthy options.  But let me tell you something; I GET IT!  The kids love the food.  There is a playland.  There are toys with the kid meals.  And here is the kicker, three kids and me ate until satisfaction for approximately 15 bucks.  I am now willing to blame America’s obesity on McDonald’s.  The convenience and low-cost of feeding four?  Too easy.  I am not even sure I could have cooked a meal cheaper than that.  I can no longer look at parents in disgust that feed their children McDonald’s.  I still say it should be rare, but as a temporary single parent of three, I get it.

7:00 pm – Time to get my daughter to bed.

7:30 pm – Time to get my youngest son to bed.

8:00 pm – Talk to oldest son about homework.  Go over his school materials for the next couple of days.

8:30 pm – Sit down and relax for the very first time.  Exhausted.

9:00 pm – Oldest gets ready for bed.

9:15 pm – Say goodnight to oldest.

9:30 pm – Fall asleep on the couch.

6:00 am – Daughter is awake.  You have GOT to be kidding me!

Three kids is too many.  I don’t care what anyone says.  Having one kid is fine as long as they are well-connected with other kids for proper socialization.  Two kids, I think is perfect.  From a parent stand point, you are still playing man-to-man defense, and quite frankly, even when you are by yourself, watching out for two kids is manageable.  But three or more, it’s crazy.  So, what do I do now?  I’d get rid of one of them, but I have grown attached.  All three are simply awesome.  So, I will quietly dream of the day that they are all out of my house.  People tell me that I will miss them when they are gone, which may be true, but I am looking forward to finding out.  On a side note, my daughter ate an entire happy meal by herself.  Where does she put it?  If this keeps up, we will go bankrupt just from feeding them.  I may celebrate the day of my vasectomy every year.


Tomorrow I am going to the Packers game.  It will be my first time at Lambeau Field.  As a bonus, they are playing the Raiders, my team.  I am very excited.  I will be wearing all black and will make it very clear that I am a Raiders fan.  Yesterday, I went to a sports store looking for a raiders hat.  I asked the cashier if they have a section for hats.  She asked me what I was looking for, and I said a Raider’s cap.  She looked at me in disgust, and said “We don’t carry that here,” and literally walked away.  Of course I had a Raiders t-shirt in my hand that the store carried, which I pointed out to no avail.  She might as well have said, “We don’t serve your kind here.”  It was exactly the same tone.  If by rare chance the Raiders win tomorrow and break the Packer’s win streak, you may never hear from me again.  If that is the case, please tell the world of my blog.  Tell my story.  If they find my body in one of the stalls you can confirm with the police that they may have found his body in the stall, but he sure wasn’t there to poop.  I’m just sayin …



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