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Posts Tagged ‘exercise’

I’m back from a week long vacation with the family.  It was a great time.  Scratch that, it was great the first two days, good the third day, OK on the fourth day, I’m ready to be done on the fifth, I question if I like these people the sixth day and wow, I hate you guys so much on the seventh day.  All in all, a great week.

I’m an introvert (a blog for another time), which means social interactions drain me.  It doesn’t mean that I hate being social, which is a common misconception about introverts, but as the social interactions continue, my energy levels drop.  I enjoy hanging with the family, I really do, but the need for quiet time and isolation increases as time goes by.  It is even worse when screens are not allowed on our family vacation.

No screens is the brain child of my wife, God bless her.  It is her desire for us as a family to focus on each other for a week.  As far as I can tell, she loves this concept and enjoyed the tech-free week.  And I will admit, it was good for the family and it was good for me.  I recommend it to all the families out there to spend time together unmolested by internet, Facebook, Instagram, snap chat, etc.  But for me, it’s as appealing as exercise or an enema (roll credits).  There is no doubt that exercise is good for you, but most people don’t look forward to exercising, especially if you aren’t used to it.  And don’t get me started on enemas.

But just like exercise, dieting, etc., you get to a point where it feels good.  You start to wonder why you haven’t done this sooner.  The same is true for eliminating screens from your life.  Taking a break from email, Facebook and the internet is a wonderfully cleansing activity.  But then you get home, and the TV is back, Wi-Fi is back, and it’s like at the end of a good run is a Dunkin’ Donuts and you decide, “One donut won’t hurt.”  Next thing you know, you haven’t run for years, because donuts and watching TV are way easier than exercise.  I’m not ready to give up my devices, but I love the fact that I have kids and a wife that don’t mind (or at least they fake it well, which is all I really ask) focusing on our relationships together as a family.


I was at Walmart today buying a gift for my daughter’s birthday.  Some glitter from the gift got on my face.  The cashier pointed it out to me and highly recommended that I clean it off before returning home.  I looked at her and knew exactly why she was telling me that I had glitter on my face.  I had to laugh.  Walmart, saving marriages from gross misunderstandings every day.  Where is this commercial?

 

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So, are you frustrated because you can’t lose that last 5, 10, or 50 lbs of “baby” fat?  Have you tried every diet under the sun and nothing seems to work?  Then come on down to Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp.  We guarantee that you will lose weight or wonder why you ever cared about losing weight in the first place or your money back.

Why is our fat camp better than other fat camps?  Simple … Deprivation.  We will deprive you of EVERYTHING you hold dear, including oxygen.  That’s right, oxygen.  You see other fat camps give you way too much oxygen.  No wonder you fail.  Here is how it works:

First we give you a lovely cabin in the woods above 9,000 ft.  Trust me, at this elevation, walking to the bathroom will burn more calories than you ever imagined.  A select few will lose 5 to 10 pounds in the first night!  Who says altitude sickness is a bad thing1?

1We can’t guarantee altitude sickness, results will vary.

At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we will not restrict your diet, eat as much as you want.  We will not make you do any crazy exercises, like jumping jacks, situps, or exercise machines, heck we won’t even make you jog if you don’t want to, but trust me, you will want to.  The only thing you will have to do is enjoy nature and trap a few marmots.

After a couple of days in the cabin, we will take you on a nice 20 minute drive up the mountain.  You won’t believe how beautiful the scenery will be from your car seat.  We will stop at a parking lot and then take a stroll up the hill to 11,000 feet!  Just above 11,000 feet you will receive a brief rest and a small pack of trail mix.  We won’t rush you, because we won’t need to.  The only thing we ask is that you DON’T TURN AROUND, because the vehicle you came in, is gone.  Oh by the way, I almost forgot, don’t forget your backpack, it contains the only food you will be allowed to eat for the next couple of days.  Why is it 50 pounds?  Because we have partnered you up with someone who can’t carry as much, so you will be carrying food, water and sleeping gear for two.

But wait, there’s more.  To add to the adventure of your hike, as an added bonus, we have made the last mile of your journey in over four feet of snow.  It also just so happens that the last mile is the steepest.  Yeah!!!  I hope you brought enough water, because by the time you reach the top you will be drenched in sweat.  Didn’t bring enough water, don’t worry there is water everywhere.  And as an added bonus, the more water you drink from God’s beautiful nature, the more weight you will lose.  Who says giardia is a bad thing2?

2We are not medical doctors.  According to medical doctors, giardia IS a bad thing.  However, those that contract giardia have been known to lose significantly more pounds than those without giardia.  Individual results will vary.

We will set up base camp at around 11,000 feet.  And you thought it was hard to move around at 9,000 ft.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we go that extra 2,000 feet and more for you.  You see, the marmots are not at base camp, we must hike that extra 500 feet to find them.  And we must do it multiple times a day.  Those traps are not going to set themselves.  Plus, the traps are not there already, so you will carry them up to the top of the mountain.  We know walking is easy for you, so we have provided a challenge to your walking feet, and that is lots and lots of rocks.  Rocks everywhere!  Don’t twist that ankle, because twisted ankles are for losers, and you are a winner.  But wait, there’s more!  Don’t like to jog?  Who does?  But as we said, we do not force jogging at Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, but we do provide lightning.  Just about every afternoon while you are on top of the mountain trapping marmots, you will hear thunder.  You don’t have to run, but we recommend it.  You will see those pounds melt away each afternoon3.

3We are not responsible for broken ankles or being struck by lightning as you careen down the mountain.  Lightning does not cause increased fat loss, but running does.  Individual results will vary.

After trapping on the mountain, you will feel better, refreshed.  You will barely recognize yourself as you return to the parking lot below.  And for an extra fee, we can make sure that the car is gone when you return.  That’s right, why not walk all the way to your cabin.  You will feel better, and you won’t even recognize yourself when you walk through that door.

So, come on up.  Give us a try.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, where the marmots will be getting fat, while you are getting thin.
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We are walking down the mountain and my son asks if we are going to go up again.  In my mind I am thinking that this boy has paid his dues.  He has already gone up the mountain multiple times, hiked up steep mountains in snow, spent the night in less than luxury conditions and helped trap marmots.  So I said, “I am going back up, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I would like to go back up.”  He said.  I told him, “That’s awesome, really awesome.”  I almost cried.  I’m just sayin …

My Study Animal: The Yellow-bellied Marmot

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So, this month we just celebrated the United States of America’s birthday and you know what I am going to buy the country? A Thigh Master (remember this?).  You know why?  We are too fat.  I know our First Lady is trying to get our kids in better shape, but it may be too late.  We have given up.  Yesterday, I went to a pizza buffet restaurant owned by a friend of mine.  I notice the same thing that I notice every time I go to an all-you-can-eat place, the people are huge.

Don’t get me wrong, I too am heavier than I should be.  I don’t exercise enough, I eat more than I should and my schedule can be extremely wacky.  To top things off, I am often seduced by the quickness and cheapness of McDonald’s.  A McDouble for a buck!  You can’t beat that!  I once posted on Facebook that I was going to rush down and eat the new Double Down at KFC  (http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/).  With pride I gave KFC credit for having an ad campaign as if to say “F#?k it, the country is fat, let’s ride the wave”.  And I went to KFC with the sole intention of ordering and eating a Double Down.  You know what happened?  I saw a big poster board of the sandwich and got to see it in all of its fatty heart clogging glory and couldn’t do it.  I chickened out (pun very much intended).  It just seemed wrong.  So, I lived vicariously through my buddy Corey, who said it is just god awful.  But the latest sandwich has inspired me to write this post.  What could be worse than a sandwich with chicken patties for buns?  How about grilled cheese sandwiches as buns?

That’s right, I give you the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt (http://www.friendlys.com/whats-new/).  Really?  I mean really?  America, eat a piece of broccoli, grab some fruit, grill a breast of chicken, take a walk, go for a bike ride, GET OFF YOUR BUTT you big fat (insert expletive here!!!)  There, I said it, or at least implied it.  America, you are fat.  Now, I would never vote to make poor choices illegal, but at some point I just might have to walk over to the family of four with two kids under the age of 10 with a total combined family weight of 800 pounds making their fourth trip to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, and slap the food out of their hands, slap the plates off the table, and then slap the parents.  I am sorry, but if your kid is 5 years old and weighs 100 pounds, you have done something wrong.  Am I blaming parents for childhood obesity?  You damn straight I am.

Now, to my friends, family, and myself, if you are overweight, I only ask one thing…

Don’t give up.  Yeah, it’s a struggle, but the buffets and midnight binges are not helping.  Seek help if necessary, not just a dietician, but maybe a therapist.  Be healthy.  Strive to live a life that is truly best for you and those around you.

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No, my daughter has NOT been born yet.  But the real question is why is everyone crazy when it comes to babies?  My wife looks 11 months pregnant and no one is more aware of that than her, but does that mean that every Teresa, Dina, and Harriet has the right to touch her, ask about her personal business, and retell their every known baby story on how Jane Schmoe also had a difficult pregnancy.  WE DON’T CARE!!!  I want the baby to be born because I am sick of everyone in the neighborhood asking me if the baby has been born yet.  See, this is what I get for talking to people.  I’m just sayin …

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