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Posts Tagged ‘fat’

So, I just got back from California.  While on the plane to California, I was the bread of a medium guy/big guy sandwich.  In other words, I was on the window and another guy (bigger than me) was on the aisle, and a guy in between.  But, on my return flight, the middle seat was held by a woman that could not have weighed more than a buck 0 five sopping wet.  Needless to say, the return flight was much more comfortable for me and the other members of my aisle.  It got me thinking, what if we were required to give our weight when buying our airline ticket?  Think about it.  Let’s say that only middle seats were available.  If you knew the size of the people in the aisle and the window, wouldn’t that inform your decisions of which middle seats were preferable?  If you are one of my smart readers, I am sure you see the flaw in my plan already.  What about liars?  If you are a woman, and you weigh 115 pounds, it would be to your advantage to say that you weigh 300.  It would decrease the chance of anyone sitting next to you.

It’s a basic Game Theory problem or Prisoner’s Dilemma, depending on your academic training.  For example, in Hawks and Doves Game Theory, a hawk will fight and be aggressive to obtain a resource, but a dove will never fight and be submissive.  So, if a dove meets a dove, they share the resource equally, but if a hawk meets a hawk, they fight and incur a cost with diminished access to the resource.  Of course, if you are a hawk and you meet a dove, you get everything.  So, a population of hawks and doves should reach a balance.  Not too many hawks and not too many doves.  In my Airline Game Theory, we would have True Weight (Low Medium High) versus Liar Weight (Low Medium High).  For example, if a True 350 pound person sits next to a True 100 pound person, the seats are shared in favor of the 350 pounder, however, the 100 pounder receives low costs, due to their small size.  Two people that are True 150 pound people, would share their seats equally.  However, if a Liar High 150 pound person (someone who really weighs 350 pounds) sits next to a Liar High 150 pound person, they will incur very high costs, and no one will win.

So, what is the answer?  Let the airline make seating assignments based on everyone’s weight, using an algorithm that maximizes comfort for all concern.  This would mean you would not know your seating assignment until the very end, but wouldn’t it be worth it?  I love this idea.  I am a big guy.  If you are a big guy, trust me, you do not want to sit next to me.  Airline people, if you are reading my blog, make it happen.  This is a great idea.

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What is up with airline travelers?  Is it really necessary to keep your cell phone on when the plane is taking off?  They’re like children, and the teacher has to go around slapping people on the wrist to get them to turn their iPhones off.  And guess what?  If you refuse to listen or at least be quiet during the safety announcements, I have every right to leave your butt behind when the crap hits the fan.  Finally, no matter how much you complain, you can’t will the plane to be on time.  So sit down, shut up, and put your damn seat belt on when the sign is illuminated, because guess what?  That sign is definitely for you.  I’m just sayin’ …

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So, are you frustrated because you can’t lose that last 5, 10, or 50 lbs of “baby” fat?  Have you tried every diet under the sun and nothing seems to work?  Then come on down to Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp.  We guarantee that you will lose weight or wonder why you ever cared about losing weight in the first place or your money back.

Why is our fat camp better than other fat camps?  Simple … Deprivation.  We will deprive you of EVERYTHING you hold dear, including oxygen.  That’s right, oxygen.  You see other fat camps give you way too much oxygen.  No wonder you fail.  Here is how it works:

First we give you a lovely cabin in the woods above 9,000 ft.  Trust me, at this elevation, walking to the bathroom will burn more calories than you ever imagined.  A select few will lose 5 to 10 pounds in the first night!  Who says altitude sickness is a bad thing1?

1We can’t guarantee altitude sickness, results will vary.

At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we will not restrict your diet, eat as much as you want.  We will not make you do any crazy exercises, like jumping jacks, situps, or exercise machines, heck we won’t even make you jog if you don’t want to, but trust me, you will want to.  The only thing you will have to do is enjoy nature and trap a few marmots.

After a couple of days in the cabin, we will take you on a nice 20 minute drive up the mountain.  You won’t believe how beautiful the scenery will be from your car seat.  We will stop at a parking lot and then take a stroll up the hill to 11,000 feet!  Just above 11,000 feet you will receive a brief rest and a small pack of trail mix.  We won’t rush you, because we won’t need to.  The only thing we ask is that you DON’T TURN AROUND, because the vehicle you came in, is gone.  Oh by the way, I almost forgot, don’t forget your backpack, it contains the only food you will be allowed to eat for the next couple of days.  Why is it 50 pounds?  Because we have partnered you up with someone who can’t carry as much, so you will be carrying food, water and sleeping gear for two.

But wait, there’s more.  To add to the adventure of your hike, as an added bonus, we have made the last mile of your journey in over four feet of snow.  It also just so happens that the last mile is the steepest.  Yeah!!!  I hope you brought enough water, because by the time you reach the top you will be drenched in sweat.  Didn’t bring enough water, don’t worry there is water everywhere.  And as an added bonus, the more water you drink from God’s beautiful nature, the more weight you will lose.  Who says giardia is a bad thing2?

2We are not medical doctors.  According to medical doctors, giardia IS a bad thing.  However, those that contract giardia have been known to lose significantly more pounds than those without giardia.  Individual results will vary.

We will set up base camp at around 11,000 feet.  And you thought it was hard to move around at 9,000 ft.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we go that extra 2,000 feet and more for you.  You see, the marmots are not at base camp, we must hike that extra 500 feet to find them.  And we must do it multiple times a day.  Those traps are not going to set themselves.  Plus, the traps are not there already, so you will carry them up to the top of the mountain.  We know walking is easy for you, so we have provided a challenge to your walking feet, and that is lots and lots of rocks.  Rocks everywhere!  Don’t twist that ankle, because twisted ankles are for losers, and you are a winner.  But wait, there’s more!  Don’t like to jog?  Who does?  But as we said, we do not force jogging at Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, but we do provide lightning.  Just about every afternoon while you are on top of the mountain trapping marmots, you will hear thunder.  You don’t have to run, but we recommend it.  You will see those pounds melt away each afternoon3.

3We are not responsible for broken ankles or being struck by lightning as you careen down the mountain.  Lightning does not cause increased fat loss, but running does.  Individual results will vary.

After trapping on the mountain, you will feel better, refreshed.  You will barely recognize yourself as you return to the parking lot below.  And for an extra fee, we can make sure that the car is gone when you return.  That’s right, why not walk all the way to your cabin.  You will feel better, and you won’t even recognize yourself when you walk through that door.

So, come on up.  Give us a try.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, where the marmots will be getting fat, while you are getting thin.
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We are walking down the mountain and my son asks if we are going to go up again.  In my mind I am thinking that this boy has paid his dues.  He has already gone up the mountain multiple times, hiked up steep mountains in snow, spent the night in less than luxury conditions and helped trap marmots.  So I said, “I am going back up, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I would like to go back up.”  He said.  I told him, “That’s awesome, really awesome.”  I almost cried.  I’m just sayin …

My Study Animal: The Yellow-bellied Marmot

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So, the other day I was working out at the Y and headed for the locker room to take a shower.  I had an experience, an experience I have had before, which has led me to a very simple question: At what age do I lose ALL sense of modesty?  Old dudes, especially fat old dudes have absolutely no problem walking around, carrying on conversations, shaving their areas, and I mean ALL their areas, and just in general being nude.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think of myself as a prude, nor do I have a problem with anyone, even not so perfect bodied men walking around naked, but there is something especially, I don’t know, “vomit in my throat” wrong about the way these particular individuals carry themselves while nude.  Let me paint a picture of an incident that happened to me about three years ago.  The events you are about to read are true, only the names and places have been changed to protect their identities.  Also, I believe if I am too specific it will cause a deeply buried memory to surface to such great detail that I might find myself on the floor of my shower in a fetal position trying to wash the shame and loss of innocence out of every orifice of my body.  “Why won’t it wash off.  Why won’t it wash off!  Those aren’t pillows!”  The following story is graphic and may not be suited for people with weak constitutions. Proceed reading at your own risk.  You’ve been warned, says I.

I finished working out with a buddy of mine and went to the locker room to shower.  The locker room was set up so that the shower room was in plain view of the last row or lockers.  My locker happened to be in the last row, but in the recess where view of the shower room was mostly blocked.  My friend, acquaintance actually, happened to have his locker right next to mine that day, and I did not see him until I emerged from the shower.  Now, my shower routine is significantly more modest than most.  At my locker I de-robe and immediately place my towel around the “naughty” areas.  This is in contrast to many men, especially older ones, that start the process naked and than place their clothes in their locker, walk “balls to the wind” to the shower and then back to their locker to retrieve their towel.  I prefer to remain covered pretty much 90% of the time until it is time to re-clothe.  Feel free to attempt to remove that image from your brain, good luck, it only gets worse.  Now, upon completing my shower, I immediately re-don my towel and walk, covered, back to my locker, and there he was, standing in front of his locker, at about 6 feet five and about (I’m just guessing, but would bet my entire savings account that I am not more than 10 pounds off) 380 pounds.  A big dude, with the bulk of his mass in the middle, if you know what I am saying.  He is wet, and he is naked.  Now, personally, I like to dry off in the shower area, walk back to my locker mostly dry, with a few quick touch ups as I get dressed.  My friend, let’s call him Fred, did not share this philosophy.  Fred preferred to do most of his drying locker side, and he wasn’t getting dressed until he was completely dry.  So, I am at my locker getting dressed, trying to avoid eye contact, and Fred proceeds to ask how things are going, facing me, and trying to have a “normal” conversation, meanwhile, continually “waxing” and “buffing” his robust “vehicle”.  ==PAUSE FOR EFFECT==  Then, like a horrible car accident, or a 90-year-old woman sitting in front of you and uncrossing and recrossing her legs like in Basic Instinct, “That did NOT just happen?”, Fred “lifts the hood” to get, literally the underbelly and like in “The Graduate”, if you were on the other side, you would see me through his leg resting on the bench in front of the lockers.  Ugghh, a chill went through my spine just writing this.  If it was possible to remove this very clear memory from my brain, but there was a high chance that other memories would be removed with it, like the birth of my children, sex, roller coasters, the mountains, I would risk it.  Fred continued to talk to me through his entire process, never skipping a beat, and I actually waited until the conversation was over before leaving the gym.  I went home immediately, and re-showered.  I felt violated.

But I must bring this post back to the real question.  At what age do men become comfortable with this clear lack of modesty.  Although I have shared with you my worst experience of this phenomenon, it is by no stretch of the imagination an isolated incident.  I see this kind of behavior in older, fatter, men, ALL THE TIME.  Why?  When will this happen to me?  I need to know.  Is this also true with women?

Believe it or not, I would LOVE to receive your comments on this subject.  I need to know that it is not just me.  Is this true in women?  Am I overly sensitive?  Share your story if you got one.

Yes, you just read this.  Don’t look at me, you are the one that visits my site to explore the inner sanctum of my mind.  Not pretty is it?  You never know what is lurking in there.  Yes, I am a caring, thoughtful father, husband, hopefully all around good guy, with disturbing images of fat, old dudes dancing in my head.  You read it correctly, in my mind they are dancing …, always dancing.

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I LOVE B-movies.  One of my favorites is Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.  It is a classic.  Watch it and thank me later.  “Can someone pass the ketchup?”  Very , very funny.  To that end, I have not been as excited to see a movie since Hot Tub Time Machine.  By the way, Hot Tub Time Machine did not disappoint.  I couldn’t have asked for more.  So, what is my latest must-see movie?  You guessed it,  Piranha 3D, who’s with me?  As long as it is not meant to be a true horror film, I am in.  Like Lake Placid, I expect unintentional comedy, crazy “Oh my God, did that just happen, then laugh” scenes, and the one thing that every self-respecting B-movie should have, gratuitous, unpredictable, would never happen in real life, random nudity.  I’m just sayin …

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So, this month we just celebrated the United States of America’s birthday and you know what I am going to buy the country? A Thigh Master (remember this?).  You know why?  We are too fat.  I know our First Lady is trying to get our kids in better shape, but it may be too late.  We have given up.  Yesterday, I went to a pizza buffet restaurant owned by a friend of mine.  I notice the same thing that I notice every time I go to an all-you-can-eat place, the people are huge.

Don’t get me wrong, I too am heavier than I should be.  I don’t exercise enough, I eat more than I should and my schedule can be extremely wacky.  To top things off, I am often seduced by the quickness and cheapness of McDonald’s.  A McDouble for a buck!  You can’t beat that!  I once posted on Facebook that I was going to rush down and eat the new Double Down at KFC  (http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/).  With pride I gave KFC credit for having an ad campaign as if to say “F#?k it, the country is fat, let’s ride the wave”.  And I went to KFC with the sole intention of ordering and eating a Double Down.  You know what happened?  I saw a big poster board of the sandwich and got to see it in all of its fatty heart clogging glory and couldn’t do it.  I chickened out (pun very much intended).  It just seemed wrong.  So, I lived vicariously through my buddy Corey, who said it is just god awful.  But the latest sandwich has inspired me to write this post.  What could be worse than a sandwich with chicken patties for buns?  How about grilled cheese sandwiches as buns?

That’s right, I give you the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt (http://www.friendlys.com/whats-new/).  Really?  I mean really?  America, eat a piece of broccoli, grab some fruit, grill a breast of chicken, take a walk, go for a bike ride, GET OFF YOUR BUTT you big fat (insert expletive here!!!)  There, I said it, or at least implied it.  America, you are fat.  Now, I would never vote to make poor choices illegal, but at some point I just might have to walk over to the family of four with two kids under the age of 10 with a total combined family weight of 800 pounds making their fourth trip to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, and slap the food out of their hands, slap the plates off the table, and then slap the parents.  I am sorry, but if your kid is 5 years old and weighs 100 pounds, you have done something wrong.  Am I blaming parents for childhood obesity?  You damn straight I am.

Now, to my friends, family, and myself, if you are overweight, I only ask one thing…

Don’t give up.  Yeah, it’s a struggle, but the buffets and midnight binges are not helping.  Seek help if necessary, not just a dietician, but maybe a therapist.  Be healthy.  Strive to live a life that is truly best for you and those around you.

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No, my daughter has NOT been born yet.  But the real question is why is everyone crazy when it comes to babies?  My wife looks 11 months pregnant and no one is more aware of that than her, but does that mean that every Teresa, Dina, and Harriet has the right to touch her, ask about her personal business, and retell their every known baby story on how Jane Schmoe also had a difficult pregnancy.  WE DON’T CARE!!!  I want the baby to be born because I am sick of everyone in the neighborhood asking me if the baby has been born yet.  See, this is what I get for talking to people.  I’m just sayin …

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