So, the following blog is emotional diarrhea. I suggest that you do not read it. I apologize.
I am not struggling with death, I am struggling with dying. For the last 24 hours I have been thinking about how I want to die. How do you want to die? Or a better question: How do you want to live? You see, my father is not dead. I can’t even say that he is dying, but he is alive. I should be happy that he is alive, but I am not. I want him to be living. I have never understood the difference between being alive and living more than I do right now. It is amazing how unprepared I am for this situation. Why am I so unprepared for this?
In part I am angry at the church. I have been to church most of my life. My father is a pastor. I have read the bible from beginning to end. I believe, have faith in, trust and obey God. I can think of the countless number of sermons I have heard regarding death and the afterlife, but not one of them ever addressed the fine line between life and death. I have been thinking about Terri Schiavo. Remember her? She was big news for a while. Terri Schiavo had a heart attack in 1990 and suffered severe brain damage. For several years, doctors attempted to improve her brain function, but eventually she was diagnosed as being in a vegetative state. In 1998, her husband petitioned to have her feeding tube removed. Terri Schiavo’s parents attempted to block her husband’s petition. It made national news. Several politicians, including the President of the United States, George W. Bush got involved. After years of court battles, people protesting in the streets, and massive news coverage, her feeding tube was finally removed in 2005. Luckily, my situation is nowhere near the severity of that case, but all I can think of is how dare we get involved in that family’s business? How dare we! Why do we fight to keep people alive under any and all circumstances? Is it the sanctity of life? Is this what the Bible teaches? Does a woman in a vegetative state in bed for well over a decade glorify God? Were her parents just happy that she was alive?
I think people are afraid of death. I don’t care if you are an atheist or a lifelong bible thumper, you are not likely to run in to death’s arms. You will most likely go kicking and screaming. Whether you are the atheist praying to the God that you don’t believe in as your plane is crashing to the ground or the believer that is praying to not be taken to that supposedly awesome place called heaven, no one wants to die. As I stated in my last blog, I have no fear of my father’s death. He will be going to a great place, but he is not in a great place right now. How long should he remain in his current state? How long would I want to remain in his current state? The whole situation pisses me off.
In part, I am angry at science. I know how the body works. I know what every drug that is being pumped into my dad’s body is doing and what it is for. I look at the blinking screens and can explain to you what each number means. I also know that if it weren’t for science, he wouldn’t be alive right now. I blame science for being in this current situation. Before all of our medical technological advances, people died. It was sad, but it was part of life. Science teaches that if we can just figure everything out, we can cheat death. Who would not be happy about this? Babies are being born now that would have certainly died 10 years ago. You can smoke and be 100 pounds over weight and be confident that there will be a drug that will allow you to continue to live in your “horrible life decisions” state. Major disorders are being cured at the genetic level. Our current generation believes that technology will fix everything, so why worry about your diet, exercise or health? And why should they worry? Technology is doing amazing things right now. Eventually, no one will die. Right?
I don’t know what the answers are to my situation or any other situation that involves death and dying. I want him to be more than alive, I want him to live. I wish I could talk to my father about this and discuss our current situation and ask him what he wants to do, but I can’t right now. But one thing is for certain; I need to talk to my family about this; my wife, my mom, and eventually my kids because I would prefer to not be in this situation again. I don’t want people fighting and trying to figure out what I would’ve wanted. It is difficult to deal with the death and dying of a loved one. Everyone is dealing with the issue in their own way and everyone is stressed and sad. I don’t want my family fighting. I don’t want my family to stop living while I am dying. I want my family to bask in the knowledge of my love for them and trust that death will not be the end of me, but just the beginning. I also want my family to focus on how awesome I was in life. For all those reasons, you can let me go. But if I am going to make sure that happens when the time comes, I am going to need to have the hard conversation about death. If you are still reading, and if you haven’t already, maybe it is time for you to have the hard conversation now too.
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How do I want to die? If all goes well, the earth will be attacked by aliens. I will discover the weakness in the mother ship and everyone knows once the mother ship is destroyed, the remaining ships will follow. Using a disguise of cabbage and cranberry juice poured over my body, I will sneak into the mother ship, killing at least 10 aliens with hand-to-hand combat, steal an alien weapon, grab the keys off a dead guard that I had to shoot, release the earth prisoners, which would include the President, hand the alien weapon to the President and explain to her how to get out of the ship safely, of course she will say, “What about you?” I will say, “Mrs. President, it’s the 4th of July, and we haven’t had our fireworks yet. It’s time for the big finale.” I would then place my arm around her and give her a big kiss and say, “If you don’t mind, could you give that to my wife.” The president and the other prisoners would run out of the ship. I’d make it to the engineering room, overload the engines, find a button that will destroy the whole ship. The alien commander bursts into the room, looks at me, I look back at him and say, “Yippy Ki Yay Motherfu…” -BOOM!!! The whole world looks up and sees the explosions of all the ships and the Earth is saved. The President says, “We owe our lives to that man. We will honor him for years to come. He was a father, husband, a great American, …” and then as a smile comes over her face, “and a great kisser.” Pan out, show awesome alien ship explosions, cue 1812 overture and roll credits. I’m just sayin’ …
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I love it when you stay to watch the credits and there is more movie. Especially if after watching the credits it suggests a sequel. For example, after I explode the mother ship, it turns out that by pushing the button, it automatically placed a force field around me. I am encased in this bubble and I begin to float down to Earth. I am shocked that I am still alive. I start to laugh hysterically about how I just cheated death (This is important to any great movie. Americans hate it when the hero doesn’t survive. See blog above). As I am floating down to earth, I stop laughing, quickly sober and realize, “Crap! My wife is going to kill me because of that kiss!” Continue credits.
Race Credit Karma: Brett's Blog 