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Posts Tagged ‘husband’

So, the story I am about to tell is true. It may go down in history as one of the weirdest moments in my marriage history. It was one of those moments, when you think to yourself, “What is happening right now?” It may be one of those, “You had to be there” stories, and if that is the case, then I apologize. But make no mistake, it is true and it just happened.

My wife is sick, and in her virus-infected state she has requested something to read that will “not involve her brain”. I couldn’t find my copy of Fifty Shades of Grey, so I gave her several options. I gave her Double Sin by Agatha Christie, Q is for Quarry by Sue Grafton, and How to Lose Friends and Alienate People by Toby Young. I am a huge fan of mysteries, so those are most of the books in my collection, but I said to her, I recall that the Toby Young book was funny, but I don’t remember it as I read it a long time ago. I also told her that I seemed to have some memory of her reading it before too, but I did not know why.

I leave the room and go downstairs so my wife can choose and read her book to get her through her debilitating illness. One minute later, she calls to me and asks “Who gave you this book?” My reply was, “I have no idea.” Her response was, “Are you sure?”

Let’s take a moment to analyze this situation. If you are in a relationship or have ever been in a relationship, especially a long-term relationship, you might have already surmised my situation. I have been married for some time now (yes, I could be more specific, but that would require brain power. It’s not that I don’t know, it’s just that I want to finish this blog rather soon, and I do not have the time nor the energy to take a break from writing and figure out exactly what year of marriage it is for me. I digress) and my marriage alarms were going off in my head like a three alarm fire. My first reaction was that she clearly knows the answer to her own question. She knows who got me that book, but more importantly, I have no idea who gave me that book.

I cautiously walk up the stairs, my brain racing to determine who could have possibly given me that book. I am wondering if the mystery book giver could land me an extended stay in couch town and a “we are closed indefinitely” sign placed on the Wife Fun Zone. I arrive in our bedroom and she hands me the book. “Who wrote that?” she asked. I look at the book, and inscribed on the title page, it reads:

TO BRETT,
THE GIRL WHO JUST HANDED YOU THIS BOOK WANTS TO JUMP YOUR BONES!
unreadable signature

Again, my wife asks, “Who wrote that?” Again, I respond, I have no idea. “Do you want to think about it?” she says. Alarms blaring and we have just upgraded this situation to DEFCON 1 (nuclear war is imminent). I take a moment. What is my exit strategy? Another moment. Think. Think. I have no choice, I have to go with the truth. “I have no idea who gave me that book.”

“Do you recognize the handwriting?” she asked. “Nope.” I replied. Now let’s enter awkward silence. During the silence, I leaf through the book, as if the book itself would give me the answers I need to get out of this situation. And, lo and behold, about half way through the book is a piece of paper with writing on it. It states, in clear legible hand-writing and different from the title page hand-writing:

HI MY LOVE –
I ASKED HIM TO SIGN THE BOOK, “WITH LOVE, FROM TOBY …” BUT I GUESS HE HAD HIS OWN IDEAS … I LOVE YOU! LEAH

In a glorious, triumphant tone I announce, “YOU gave me this book!”

“What!?!” she replied as she yanked the book away from me. She looked at the note and busted out laughing. The unreadable signature on the title page was now clear to both of us. It read, Toby Young.

Hilarious! And yeah, that just happened.
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In relationships there is nothing worse than when your partner asks a question that he/she already knows the answer to. It is like they are laying a trap and they are just waiting for you to step in it and get stuck, forced to gnaw your own leg off to escape. It is kind of like when your wife asks you if she needs to lose weight. Of course you need to lose weight, otherwise you would not be asking. But if I respond that way, I’m the a-hole. I’m just sayin’ …

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So, last February, my wife and I were enjoying a lovely Valentine’s dinner and I had what in my opinion was a brilliant idea: Anti-Valentine’s Day.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not actually against Valentine’s Day.  As matter of fact, I enjoy Valentine’s Day a lot, but I got to wondering about how fake it might be, or at least has become.  You may have heard people say, “I don’t celebrate V-Day, because everyday is V-Day.”  Well, other than the fact that this is usually a statement made by guys, the lazy, and people in general full of BS, it did make me ponder about the authenticity of V-Day.

Why was I so interested in creating Anti-Valentine’s Day?  The simple answer is, I don’t know, but the more complicated answer involves a trip down memory lane involving “The Salmon Incident”.  My wife and I were in a long-distance relationship in the beginning.  She lived in Oxford, England.  I liked Oxford.  I would have moved there if I did not have ties in the US.  Nonetheless, whenever I visited she would cook me a nice dinner on the first night, usually salmon.  I am sure you are aware of England’s reputation for fish and chips, but they also, according to my wife, have excellent salmon.  She would rave about the high quality of their salmon and how it was the best she ever tasted.  So, she used my visits as an excuse to cook salmon.  After the fifth or sixth time she cooked me salmon, I finally had to tell her, “I’m not a huge fan of salmon.”  It’s not that I hate salmon, but if I only had salmon once a year or every couple of years, I would be just fine.  Needless to say, she stopped cooking me salmon and now every time we discuss the need to not have secrets in our relationship, we refer back to the ‘The Salmon Incident’.

So, it got me thinking about relationships.  I bet every relationship has secrets.  I am not talking about big secrets, like a secret love child, but little secrets, like I hate that one shirt that you always wear.  So, during our Valentine’s Dinner, I revealed to my wife an idea for a new holiday, Anti-Valentine’s Day.  At first she was dubious.  She felt strongly that this was a veiled attempt at getting permission to tell her a secret.  After ten minutes of convincing her that I had did not have any big surprises for her, and thereby ruining Valentine’s Day, she was willing to hear me out.

Here is how it works:  Once a year, I recommend February 15, you get to share one secret with your significant other.  Again, this is NOT big secret day, but a little secret.  I think it should be the day after Valentine’s Day, that way you don’t miss out on getting some, because you ain’t getting any after Anti-Valentine’s Day.  For example, I told this idea to a friend of mine, and he had a little secret immediately.  I was actually surprised how quickly he had his secret, it was clearly ready and loaded in the chamber.  He was upset that his wife never empties the trash.  She will allow the trash to pile as high as the ceiling, but she will never take it out.  This is a great example of a secret to be shared on Anti-Valentine’s Day.  How would this not be positive for any relationship?

Now would be a good time to apologize to any unsuspecting person on the receiving end of this idea.  If you choose to do this with your spouse and it blows up in your face, do not blame me.  But aren’t these the secrets that grow and fester in any relationship?  It is easy to let things go in the beginning, the lust phase, but what about 5-10 years down the road?  When will you pick up the dirty underwear off the floor and snap?  The 10th time?  100th time?  Hence, Anti-Valentine’s Day, the savior or destroyer of relationships.  My wife stated that in order for this day to work, there must be rules agreed upon by both parties.  For example:  The secret can’t be huge, it must be a minor secret that falls in the annoying category.  You cant’ get mad.  If you agree to do this, know blowing up at your partner.  It must be something that can actually be changed and surgery doesn’t count.  If you are not happy with your partner’s breast or penis size, well, you just need to come to terms with that.  This also includes being overweight.  If you think your partner is too fat, well, good luck with that one.

So, what is your salmon incident?  Do you have something you have always wanted to tell your spouse, but it has gone on too long and you are afraid it is too late?  If so, maybe Anti-Valentine’s Day is for you.  If you try it, I would love to hear how it went, but don’t blame me if it goes horribly wrong.

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My wife kept pushing me to reveal my secret, convinced I was hiding something.  The only thing I had was that she often left a room and kept the lights on.  She also does this thing where she will walk into the living room while I am watching TV and complain that I have all the curtains closed.  She will then open all the curtains and say, “That’s better.” and then leave.  What?  She doesn’t do this anymore, because I have already told her, but if I hadn’t it would be a great candidate for Anti-Valentine’s Day.  The question is not what is your issue, but how quickly will it jump to your brain upon reading this blog?  Was it 10 seconds? A minute?  Or immediately upon reading relationship secret?  I’m just sayin’ …

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