So, it is a sad day. It is a sad day that I knew would come one day. It came yesterday. My son has received his first experiences of what it means to be black in this country. My son is in sixth grade and I recently discovered that a kid in his school has been using racial slurs against him. The situation makes me sad, angry, and unfortunately, unsurprised. I knew this day would come, and quite frankly I am more surprised that it hasn’t happened earlier.
We had a conversation with my son last night. Talked to him about some of my own experiences, and gave him some advice on how to handle this situation in the future. We also told him that he is a great kid and let him know how much we love him. Other than that, I wasn’t exactly sure what to say. My first reaction was to advise him to kick the kid’s ass. I told him this, but informed him that I was not completely sure that was the best advice. We did advise him to make it clear to the kid that he was not someone to be messed with, but to do so within the confines of his comfort level. At the end of the day, we settled on informing the teacher if an incident happened again.
Whether or not we handled the situation perfectly as parents remains to be seen, but the situation saddens me. It leaves me with this simple lesson to all parents that might read my blog: Teach your kids to NOT be racists. How else do kids learn these types of repulsive behaviors? If you are a parent and you are reading this blog, and you are thinking, “My kid would never use racial slurs against another person.” My question to you is, “How do you know?” Have you talked about racism to your kids? Have you discussed the reality of differences and the fact that these differences are to NOT be ignored, but respected. Never say to me, “I don’t see color.” We all see color and just because you don’t have a white hood in your closet does not mean that you have not treated or reacted differently to someone simply because of the color of their skin. And trust me, although you did not recognize it, the other person did.
I am not looking for white guilt, and I am certainly not looking to encourage you to find your local minority and give them a hug. I would hate that. Give me and others like me, the same respect, attention, acknowledgement, and subtle reactions as you would give anyone else. Do your best. You will make mistakes, but when you do, apologize for it and keep trying. Don’t sweep this under the rug. Don’t ignore it. We are ALL racially biased, and until we acknowledge this fact within ourselves, we will never change. But most of all, teach your kids these lessons. They will not learn them if you don’t. Teach your kids to defend these principles. Silence is the same as endorsement. This is true of all ages. Do not accept racist behavior in your presence.
I am sad. I am angry. My son is awesome and nothing nor anyone will take that away, but he has been scarred. And as someone who knows exactly what it feels like to be attacked because of the color of my skin, it is a scar that never heals.
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If you’re a parent, talk to your kids about racism. You might think that they would never get a racial bias from you, but if they get it from somewhere else, are you going to know? And more importantly, will you do anything about it? I’m just sayin …
Race Credit Karma: Brett's Blog 
I agree, old friend. However, let’s also teach our children to see the value of all people. Well said.
Amen.
My 3rd grader is learning about the civil rights movement. When I talked to him about people making assumptions based on the color of another person’s skin, he was outraged that anyone would do such a thing. It was a proud moment for me.
It’s a topic that is hard to address, and I’m not good at it, but we try.
Trying is good. I wish more parents would try to talk with their kids about this subject and many others. Thanks for reading.
Tell Brett we love him too. If he wants, I’ll sumo the kid.
That would be awesome. Wrong, but awesome.
This is grim news. That it fits our expectations of the world does not take away its sting. I have talked to my kids about racism. They are just beginning to understand or perceive different people’s reactions to race, but we have begun the discussion. I too wish I had the right advice for kids in this situation. I think parenting in this is more a question of being. Who we are rather than what we say. I am confident you are being the man and father that will help define who Brett is and how he will respond to this aspect of our world.
I agree modelling is important, but I also want conversations to take place. I recently read your comments regarding biases. It reminded me of a Malcolm Gladwell book. It is kind of like alcoholism. You must first acknowledge that you have a problem. Taking a quiz and recognizing that you have a bias is more than I think most people would be willing to do. I know I have biases, but I have never taken a quiz. I should look that up. Have a great day.
It breaks my heart that Brett, Jr. has been the object of racist slurs, but I am not shocked. One would think that this nation has matured to the place where racism is set aside, but such is not the case.
On this weekend when we celebrate the birthday of Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr. it is sad to see that his dream is still just that, a dream. Oh for the day when the children of slaves and the children of slave owners will walk hand in hand.
Well said. It was very sad, but also a reminder that the dream is not complete and we must all work towards equality and not become complacent. The good news is that Brett is an awesome kid and remains as good and loving as ever.
Ugh. Sorry that Brett has to put up with this, but I’m glad we’ve progressed far enough that we can talk about it. I think the most helpful thing we can do is to be honest with each other, but more so ourselves. As ridiculous as racism is, we all tend to react to those who are different from us and pretending we don’t doesn’t make us or our society any better. Humor might help, but that’s a tricky prospect with kids.
Well said Brian. Talking is extremely important, and I wish more people could engage in the conversation without fear of being labeled or made to feel overly guilty. I am hoping for a Colorado road trip to see you this year. I hope all is well.
I really hope your son has good friends who will support him at school, and teachers who are sensitive and supportive who encourage that as well. Your own response is so right on all counts, that he clearly has good teachers at home. Defending a friend who is being hurt by cruel words is good for both kids – and for me it started (about 68 years ago) a life of commitment to civil rights. We managed to raise a family that feels and acts the same way – steps in the right direction, any how.
Luckily, my son has two great friends. I applaud your efforts to civil rights. I think it is something everyone should be concerned about. Thank you so much for reading.
Hi, thank you for the insightful blog entry, which I read with interest. Could we publish it on Migrant Tales? http://wp.ne/4UBR
We publish a lot of blog entries on racism and how to deal with it. Migrant Tales is based in Finland but writes about such topics in Europe and elsewhere.
Enrique
etessieri@gmail.com
Sure. No problem. Thanks for reading.