Posts Tagged ‘attack of the killer tomatoes’

So, the other day I was working out at the Y and headed for the locker room to take a shower.  I had an experience, an experience I have had before, which has led me to a very simple question: At what age do I lose ALL sense of modesty?  Old dudes, especially fat old dudes have absolutely no problem walking around, carrying on conversations, shaving their areas, and I mean ALL their areas, and just in general being nude.  Now, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think of myself as a prude, nor do I have a problem with anyone, even not so perfect bodied men walking around naked, but there is something especially, I don’t know, “vomit in my throat” wrong about the way these particular individuals carry themselves while nude.  Let me paint a picture of an incident that happened to me about three years ago.  The events you are about to read are true, only the names and places have been changed to protect their identities.  Also, I believe if I am too specific it will cause a deeply buried memory to surface to such great detail that I might find myself on the floor of my shower in a fetal position trying to wash the shame and loss of innocence out of every orifice of my body.  “Why won’t it wash off.  Why won’t it wash off!  Those aren’t pillows!”  The following story is graphic and may not be suited for people with weak constitutions. Proceed reading at your own risk.  You’ve been warned, says I.

I finished working out with a buddy of mine and went to the locker room to shower.  The locker room was set up so that the shower room was in plain view of the last row or lockers.  My locker happened to be in the last row, but in the recess where view of the shower room was mostly blocked.  My friend, acquaintance actually, happened to have his locker right next to mine that day, and I did not see him until I emerged from the shower.  Now, my shower routine is significantly more modest than most.  At my locker I de-robe and immediately place my towel around the “naughty” areas.  This is in contrast to many men, especially older ones, that start the process naked and than place their clothes in their locker, walk “balls to the wind” to the shower and then back to their locker to retrieve their towel.  I prefer to remain covered pretty much 90% of the time until it is time to re-clothe.  Feel free to attempt to remove that image from your brain, good luck, it only gets worse.  Now, upon completing my shower, I immediately re-don my towel and walk, covered, back to my locker, and there he was, standing in front of his locker, at about 6 feet five and about (I’m just guessing, but would bet my entire savings account that I am not more than 10 pounds off) 380 pounds.  A big dude, with the bulk of his mass in the middle, if you know what I am saying.  He is wet, and he is naked.  Now, personally, I like to dry off in the shower area, walk back to my locker mostly dry, with a few quick touch ups as I get dressed.  My friend, let’s call him Fred, did not share this philosophy.  Fred preferred to do most of his drying locker side, and he wasn’t getting dressed until he was completely dry.  So, I am at my locker getting dressed, trying to avoid eye contact, and Fred proceeds to ask how things are going, facing me, and trying to have a “normal” conversation, meanwhile, continually “waxing” and “buffing” his robust “vehicle”.  ==PAUSE FOR EFFECT==  Then, like a horrible car accident, or a 90-year-old woman sitting in front of you and uncrossing and recrossing her legs like in Basic Instinct, “That did NOT just happen?”, Fred “lifts the hood” to get, literally the underbelly and like in “The Graduate”, if you were on the other side, you would see me through his leg resting on the bench in front of the lockers.  Ugghh, a chill went through my spine just writing this.  If it was possible to remove this very clear memory from my brain, but there was a high chance that other memories would be removed with it, like the birth of my children, sex, roller coasters, the mountains, I would risk it.  Fred continued to talk to me through his entire process, never skipping a beat, and I actually waited until the conversation was over before leaving the gym.  I went home immediately, and re-showered.  I felt violated.

But I must bring this post back to the real question.  At what age do men become comfortable with this clear lack of modesty.  Although I have shared with you my worst experience of this phenomenon, it is by no stretch of the imagination an isolated incident.  I see this kind of behavior in older, fatter, men, ALL THE TIME.  Why?  When will this happen to me?  I need to know.  Is this also true with women?

Believe it or not, I would LOVE to receive your comments on this subject.  I need to know that it is not just me.  Is this true in women?  Am I overly sensitive?  Share your story if you got one.

Yes, you just read this.  Don’t look at me, you are the one that visits my site to explore the inner sanctum of my mind.  Not pretty is it?  You never know what is lurking in there.  Yes, I am a caring, thoughtful father, husband, hopefully all around good guy, with disturbing images of fat, old dudes dancing in my head.  You read it correctly, in my mind they are dancing …, always dancing.


I LOVE B-movies.  One of my favorites is Attack of the Killer Tomatoes.  It is a classic.  Watch it and thank me later.  “Can someone pass the ketchup?”  Very , very funny.  To that end, I have not been as excited to see a movie since Hot Tub Time Machine.  By the way, Hot Tub Time Machine did not disappoint.  I couldn’t have asked for more.  So, what is my latest must-see movie?  You guessed it,  Piranha 3D, who’s with me?  As long as it is not meant to be a true horror film, I am in.  Like Lake Placid, I expect unintentional comedy, crazy “Oh my God, did that just happen, then laugh” scenes, and the one thing that every self-respecting B-movie should have, gratuitous, unpredictable, would never happen in real life, random nudity.  I’m just sayin …


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