So, I am married to an emotional being. Now don’t get me wrong, I am not trying to make fun of her or claim that she is some crazy b&#$! or something, because she is not. I love her to death. I say that mostly because it is true, and partially because she reads my blog. She actually doesn’t read my blog regularly, I don’t know why. She reads it in batches and is never up to date. For example, recently I told her that I was going to the bathroom and she asked “Because you have to go, or because you need a break from your family?” At first I was confused by this response, then I realized, wait, that is from my blog (see Everyone Poops …). So, I clearly need to make sure that what I write here does not get me into trouble.
Ah fuck it! If I can’t say it here, I shouldn’t say it at all. Pardon the language, but that is how I feel. I digress.
As I was saying, my wife is an emotional being. This is an issue. It is an issue mainly because I am not. Now, I am not a robot, but let’s just say that I could vacation on Vulcan and have a good time. If you have no idea what Vulcan has to do with emotions, than you are a better person than I. It also most likely means you were having sex in high school, while I was not. Once again, I digress. It’s not that I can’t be emotional, it is just that under most scenarios, I do not find emotions helpful. Let me paint a picture for you of an actual exchange between my wife and I. Now, this exchange is true in nature, but not true in fact. In other words, the following conversation has never actually happened, but if you were to exchange the topic for just about anything else, it probably at one time or another has happened in my home:
HER: “Hey Love, can we talk?”
[Note: NO conversation that begins with “Can we talk?” is ever good. If your wife ever opens up a sentence with “Hey, can we talk?” “Stop your grinnin’ and drop your linen!” cause you are in for a bumpy ride. If you don’t know where the “…linen” quote is from, again, sex in high school. It’s called trade-offs. My point is, as soon as she says “Hey” I know that the next few moments are not going to end well for me.]
ME: “Sure. What’s up?”
HER: I’m tired. I am sick of being tired.
ME: You should try to get more sleep.
HER: I can’t get more sleep. I have too much work to do. Between work, the kids, the house, making food, cleaning … and you, there is not enough time in the day.
ME: Then you should cut out some of those things so that you don’t have as much work to do. I could even help out more.
[Note: Did yo notice that last sentence? You see I am not an idiot. I know that my wife works a lot and I can be a pill sometimes. So, I am offering to help. I am a great guy! Right? WRONG! Let’s continue]
HER: “I can’t just stop doing things! Those things are important to me. I do them because they are important to me, my family is important to me. And because of all the things that need to get done, I am stressed about stuff and I don’t get enough sleep.”
[The following line is a rookie mistake. I know it every time I say it, but I can’t help myself.]
ME: Then what do you want from me?
HER: I just want you to listen! God! Why are you such an ass!
ME: Sorry. Umm, I hate to change the subject, but do you know where my tool box is?
HER: It is probably in the garage. Why?
ME: Oh no reason, I just need to go drill a hole in my skull. I am pretty sure it will take me to a better place then the rest of this conversation.
[And scene]
OK, the last part never actually happens, at least not out loud. So, here is the thing, and I know at least half of my reading audience is thinking “Why can’t you understand?” and the other half is screaming “Preach it brutha!”, but this is a story more about me than her. You see my wife is an emotional being, but I am a problem solver. In my mind, I have absolutely no idea how listening to a problem will ever solve a problem. Just because you name a problem does not make it go away, it’s not Rumpelstiltskin (OK, if you don’t get that reference, then you just need to read more. That or watch more cartoons). However, for emotional beings, just talking about a problem makes them feel better. I will never understand this, but it’s true.
It’s funny, on paper, my wife and I should never work, but we do. Although I can do without emotions much of my life, they are important to the world and to me. Much like politics, having extremes can bring things closer to the middle where things belong. She also just keeps me in check. She is not afraid to tell me I’m an ass sometimes and that’s a fact. I’m also a little afraid of her. A healthy fear, I think, but I am fairly certain that although I am more than twice her size, she would kick my ass in a fight. I’ve seen her angry. If you know her you might not believe me, because she is a sweet person, but think Hulk, probably not green Hulk, but gray Hulk (again, high school).
So, to all you emotional beings out there, stay emotional. But don’t forget, in the long run, problems should never stay problems, they need to be solved. So, make sure that you keep that problem solver in your life, they serve an important purpose. And I am learning, as a problem solver, that a hug may not solve the problem, but it will sure make life a lot happier and make life less like high school, if you know what I mean.
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My oldest son had his first karate lesson yesterday. It was a free trial with him and the instructor. He gets three more lessons at a reduced rate, then if he wants to continue he will join a group. During the lesson, he could not contain his excitement. His entire body was smiling. It was fun to watch. I have decided that one of the perks of children is getting reminders of “pure” joy. It is like the first time you do something you always wanted to do, like riding your bike, your first Christmas, Disneyland or sex, it’s amazing how exciting it is your first time. Actually, probably not sex, that is more awkward and generally gets better once you know what you are doing, but maybe that’s just me. [awkward pause] Anyway, it was fun to watch. Possibly the greatest perk to being a parent is seeing joy in your kids. Not funny, but true. I’m just sayin …
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I am a bad friend, I read in batches too.