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Posts Tagged ‘apocalypse’

So, you may not know this about me, but I have a very normal, healthy, amazingly strong, rational fear of hummingbirds.  Hummingbirds are evil.  Seriously, if hummingbirds were six-feet tall, they would take over the planet.  The zombie apocalypse does not scare me, it is the mutation of hummingbirds into anything big enough to take down a human.  I am convinced they could take down a human now if they would just realize exactly how  badass they really are in the grand scheme of things.

For example, their beak is as sharp as a needle.  Are you telling me that if I stabbed you in the eye with a needle, it wouldn’t hurt?  It might even kill you if it was long enough.  Look at the hummingbird below, the sword-billed hummingbird.

"I will kill you!"

“I will kill you!”

That thing will reach your brain.  Hey, it is called the sword-billed hummingbird for a reason.  Deadly!  I know what you’re thinking.  Brett, you are crazy.  That hummingbird could not get close to my eye even if it wanted.  Really?  Really?  Really, Mr. I don’t know nothin’ about these deadly creatures?  Let me break it down for you.

Fact: Hummingbirds can reach top speeds of up to 50 mph.  In relative terms, that is over 350 body lengths per second.  If they were six feet tall, they would be travelling over 1430 miles per hour, greater than the top speed of most fighter jets.

Fact:  Hummingbirds can perform serious aerial maneuvers and can dive with such velocity and acceleration, they will pull up to 10 G’s.  They do this without a suit or in a jet.  They look at pilots and say, “You Wuss!”

Fact:  Hummingbirds can beat their wings up to 80 times per second.  That means they could bitch slap you almost 5,000 times in a minute.

Fact:  Relative to body size, they have the largest brain of any bird.  They will become big, they will rule us with their big brains.

Fact:  They hear and see better than humans.  They can see ultraviolet light.  That’s like having X-ray vision.  They are practically small Supermen.

Fact:  Hummingbirds have a metabolism about 100 times that of an elephant.  They can eat up to eight times their body weight.  If a hummingbird weighed 200 pounds, they would need up to 1600 pounds of nectar to sustain itself.  They will enslave us and make us churn out 1,000’s of pounds of nectar daily.  We will have to each maintain an entire pool filled with sugar water to appease our new masters.

Fact:  Hummingbird flight muscles make up about 30% of their body weight, compared to a paltry 5% for human pectoral muscles.  Hummingbirds would like to Pump (clap) You Up!!!

Fact:  And last, but certainly not least, hummingbirds are extremely aggressive.  They would sooner kill you than look at you.  They attack each  other with reckless abandon.  They have no moral compass, they are not into being nice, they have no need to know who you are or what you are about.  They know one thing and one thing only, and that is to destroy anything that gets between them and their nectar.  Have you watched a hummingbird feeder  lately?  Check out this video (My Hummer Feeder). 

And you don’t know the half of it.  This feeder is empty.  BOOM!!! I just blew your mind.

Seconds after the video was taken, I refilled it with sugar water. Hey! Don’t look at me that way. You damn right I am feeding hummingbirds outside my cabin.  I will be saved when the Hummer Apocalypse comes upon us.  They will remember my skills at creating nectar.  When everyone else is killed, I will be saved.  It won’t be a great life, but at least I will be alive.  It won’t be easy at first.  Sugar water makes the hands sticky, but hey, with some nice kitchen gloves and the occasional cool night (hummingbirds metabolism is so high, they often have to enter torpor, a kind of hibernation, to survive the night), I see happy times ahead.  For now, eat to your heart’s content, little sword carrying speed demons.  If you become freakishly large, remember me and my never-ending flow of nectar.  (Ooh! That sounded dirty.  Forget I wrote that)

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You ever wonder, since the dawn of time, has any hummingbird ever been struck by lightning?  I like to think that at least one has.  I’m just sayin’  …

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So, first of all, “Hello, it’s been a long time.  How have you been?”  I have not blogged in a long time.  It is not because I have not had things to blog about, I most certainly have (e.g., when my five-year-old was singing the “My Friend Penis” song, or recently when a stranger tried to talk to be about politics on the tee box.  I don’t care if we were planning on voting for the same person, totally uncalled for), but I have not had the energy or motivation to blog.

I don’t know if my lack of motivation is related to the recent passing of my father, but I have definitely been off since the summer.  I am not crying and wailing every night, but something is definitely different, a new normal if you will.  It will be interesting when I return home for Thanksgiving.  Regardless, your continued prayers and well wishes are always appreciated.  Now, without further ado, on to the blog du jour.

So, I am convinced that people have lost their minds.  If you are super excited and overcome with joy because your man got re-elected, then something is wrong with you.  If you are super depressed and think the world is going to end and everyone is stupid for re-electing the president, then something is wrong with you.  The world has not ended.  The apocalypse is not upon us, nor is Jesus coming back today, or at least not since I last checked outside.  I refuse to be left behind, although I have mixed feelings about whether or not Kirk Cameron gets left behind.  The beauty of the American political system is its resiliency.  The checks and balances, for the most part, prevent any one person from destroying the country.  And if you are reading this and immediately thinking how wrong I am, then pick up a newspaper and read a little about just about any other country in the world and tell me I am wrong.  Feel lucky that you got to vote without fear of danger.  Feel lucky that you get to be pissed and angry and complain to anyone who will listen to you about how bad you think of our country’s leaders.  Because if you lived somewhere else and did that, you would be pulled from your home in your sleep and no one will ever hear from you again (You know, now that I think about it, maybe that is not such a bad idea for some of you).

So, for you right-wing conservatives, here is a little message from a book that you might have heard of, The Bible:

Romans 13:1 – Let everyone be subject to the governing authorities, for there is no authority except that which God has established. The authorities that exist have been established by God.

And for added measure:

1 Timothy 2:1-4 – I urge, then, first of all, that petitions, prayers, intercession and thanksgiving be made for all people— 2 for kings and all those in authority, that we may live peaceful and quiet lives in all godliness and holiness. 3 This is good, and pleases God our Savior, 4 who wants all people to be saved and to come to a knowledge of the truth.

Now I realize that all of my readers do not read nor care about the Bible, but I know those that do.  And for you non-Bible readers, the word according to Brett is, “Don’t be stupid.  You don’t know every damn thing.”  So, let me leave you with a few thoughts that I had about the election and the whole process:

THINGS I THINK

You can’t be anti-government and brag about how you built your business without any help.  Because if you don’t need the government, then why do you care who is in office?

Law of Unintended consequences – Encourage voting, and guess what, people vote, but not always the way you want.  Now you can begin suppressing voters, especially, minorities and women.  Go ahead, I dare you.

On a further note, I am bugged by the pundits saying that Obama won just because of minorities.  It wouldn’t have anything to do with the fact that people preferred his ideas, would it?

Regardless of side, no one is 100% right.  It just isn’t that simple.

People are way too comfortable about making political comments on Facebook and in public.  I really don’t care what your opinion is, and I certainly don’t like the way you are expressing it.  That is why I like blogs, you can read my blog or not, but it is hopefully not in your face.

My sons are Obama fans.  They both predicted that he would win.  It makes me wonder if anyone can be raised unbiased.  They are likely to vote the way we vote, possibly without seriously considering their decision.  Are most people like this?  I am afraid it is probably the case.  It kind of makes me sad.

My sister just texted me. “Barack to the Future.”  I don’t care who you are, that’s funny right there.

As I watched the different campaigns, and this includes the democratic and republican conventions, I thought to myself, if I go to a party, I hope it is a democrat party.  ‘Cause ain’t no party like a democrat party, cause a democrat party don’t stop.

I watched Fox News during the election, and I liked their coverage.  I was shocked.  It was surprisingly balanced.  And then I watched Fox News in the morning.  Is it me, or are they racist?  I am sorry, but I have watched the morning show multiple times, and I am usually offended either by their words, their tone, or both within the first five minutes.  I first thought it was the entire network, but maybe it is just the morning crew.

One thing that the election and Wesley Snipes has taught us, “Always bet on black.” – I’m just sayin’ …

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