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Posts Tagged ‘lightning’

So, you may not know this about me, but I have a very normal, healthy, amazingly strong, rational fear of hummingbirds.  Hummingbirds are evil.  Seriously, if hummingbirds were six-feet tall, they would take over the planet.  The zombie apocalypse does not scare me, it is the mutation of hummingbirds into anything big enough to take down a human.  I am convinced they could take down a human now if they would just realize exactly how  badass they really are in the grand scheme of things.

For example, their beak is as sharp as a needle.  Are you telling me that if I stabbed you in the eye with a needle, it wouldn’t hurt?  It might even kill you if it was long enough.  Look at the hummingbird below, the sword-billed hummingbird.

"I will kill you!"

“I will kill you!”

That thing will reach your brain.  Hey, it is called the sword-billed hummingbird for a reason.  Deadly!  I know what you’re thinking.  Brett, you are crazy.  That hummingbird could not get close to my eye even if it wanted.  Really?  Really?  Really, Mr. I don’t know nothin’ about these deadly creatures?  Let me break it down for you.

Fact: Hummingbirds can reach top speeds of up to 50 mph.  In relative terms, that is over 350 body lengths per second.  If they were six feet tall, they would be travelling over 1430 miles per hour, greater than the top speed of most fighter jets.

Fact:  Hummingbirds can perform serious aerial maneuvers and can dive with such velocity and acceleration, they will pull up to 10 G’s.  They do this without a suit or in a jet.  They look at pilots and say, “You Wuss!”

Fact:  Hummingbirds can beat their wings up to 80 times per second.  That means they could bitch slap you almost 5,000 times in a minute.

Fact:  Relative to body size, they have the largest brain of any bird.  They will become big, they will rule us with their big brains.

Fact:  They hear and see better than humans.  They can see ultraviolet light.  That’s like having X-ray vision.  They are practically small Supermen.

Fact:  Hummingbirds have a metabolism about 100 times that of an elephant.  They can eat up to eight times their body weight.  If a hummingbird weighed 200 pounds, they would need up to 1600 pounds of nectar to sustain itself.  They will enslave us and make us churn out 1,000’s of pounds of nectar daily.  We will have to each maintain an entire pool filled with sugar water to appease our new masters.

Fact:  Hummingbird flight muscles make up about 30% of their body weight, compared to a paltry 5% for human pectoral muscles.  Hummingbirds would like to Pump (clap) You Up!!!

Fact:  And last, but certainly not least, hummingbirds are extremely aggressive.  They would sooner kill you than look at you.  They attack each  other with reckless abandon.  They have no moral compass, they are not into being nice, they have no need to know who you are or what you are about.  They know one thing and one thing only, and that is to destroy anything that gets between them and their nectar.  Have you watched a hummingbird feeder  lately?  Check out this video (My Hummer Feeder). 

And you don’t know the half of it.  This feeder is empty.  BOOM!!! I just blew your mind.

Seconds after the video was taken, I refilled it with sugar water. Hey! Don’t look at me that way. You damn right I am feeding hummingbirds outside my cabin.  I will be saved when the Hummer Apocalypse comes upon us.  They will remember my skills at creating nectar.  When everyone else is killed, I will be saved.  It won’t be a great life, but at least I will be alive.  It won’t be easy at first.  Sugar water makes the hands sticky, but hey, with some nice kitchen gloves and the occasional cool night (hummingbirds metabolism is so high, they often have to enter torpor, a kind of hibernation, to survive the night), I see happy times ahead.  For now, eat to your heart’s content, little sword carrying speed demons.  If you become freakishly large, remember me and my never-ending flow of nectar.  (Ooh! That sounded dirty.  Forget I wrote that)

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You ever wonder, since the dawn of time, has any hummingbird ever been struck by lightning?  I like to think that at least one has.  I’m just sayin’  …

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So, are you frustrated because you can’t lose that last 5, 10, or 50 lbs of “baby” fat?  Have you tried every diet under the sun and nothing seems to work?  Then come on down to Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp.  We guarantee that you will lose weight or wonder why you ever cared about losing weight in the first place or your money back.

Why is our fat camp better than other fat camps?  Simple … Deprivation.  We will deprive you of EVERYTHING you hold dear, including oxygen.  That’s right, oxygen.  You see other fat camps give you way too much oxygen.  No wonder you fail.  Here is how it works:

First we give you a lovely cabin in the woods above 9,000 ft.  Trust me, at this elevation, walking to the bathroom will burn more calories than you ever imagined.  A select few will lose 5 to 10 pounds in the first night!  Who says altitude sickness is a bad thing1?

1We can’t guarantee altitude sickness, results will vary.

At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we will not restrict your diet, eat as much as you want.  We will not make you do any crazy exercises, like jumping jacks, situps, or exercise machines, heck we won’t even make you jog if you don’t want to, but trust me, you will want to.  The only thing you will have to do is enjoy nature and trap a few marmots.

After a couple of days in the cabin, we will take you on a nice 20 minute drive up the mountain.  You won’t believe how beautiful the scenery will be from your car seat.  We will stop at a parking lot and then take a stroll up the hill to 11,000 feet!  Just above 11,000 feet you will receive a brief rest and a small pack of trail mix.  We won’t rush you, because we won’t need to.  The only thing we ask is that you DON’T TURN AROUND, because the vehicle you came in, is gone.  Oh by the way, I almost forgot, don’t forget your backpack, it contains the only food you will be allowed to eat for the next couple of days.  Why is it 50 pounds?  Because we have partnered you up with someone who can’t carry as much, so you will be carrying food, water and sleeping gear for two.

But wait, there’s more.  To add to the adventure of your hike, as an added bonus, we have made the last mile of your journey in over four feet of snow.  It also just so happens that the last mile is the steepest.  Yeah!!!  I hope you brought enough water, because by the time you reach the top you will be drenched in sweat.  Didn’t bring enough water, don’t worry there is water everywhere.  And as an added bonus, the more water you drink from God’s beautiful nature, the more weight you will lose.  Who says giardia is a bad thing2?

2We are not medical doctors.  According to medical doctors, giardia IS a bad thing.  However, those that contract giardia have been known to lose significantly more pounds than those without giardia.  Individual results will vary.

We will set up base camp at around 11,000 feet.  And you thought it was hard to move around at 9,000 ft.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we go that extra 2,000 feet and more for you.  You see, the marmots are not at base camp, we must hike that extra 500 feet to find them.  And we must do it multiple times a day.  Those traps are not going to set themselves.  Plus, the traps are not there already, so you will carry them up to the top of the mountain.  We know walking is easy for you, so we have provided a challenge to your walking feet, and that is lots and lots of rocks.  Rocks everywhere!  Don’t twist that ankle, because twisted ankles are for losers, and you are a winner.  But wait, there’s more!  Don’t like to jog?  Who does?  But as we said, we do not force jogging at Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, but we do provide lightning.  Just about every afternoon while you are on top of the mountain trapping marmots, you will hear thunder.  You don’t have to run, but we recommend it.  You will see those pounds melt away each afternoon3.

3We are not responsible for broken ankles or being struck by lightning as you careen down the mountain.  Lightning does not cause increased fat loss, but running does.  Individual results will vary.

After trapping on the mountain, you will feel better, refreshed.  You will barely recognize yourself as you return to the parking lot below.  And for an extra fee, we can make sure that the car is gone when you return.  That’s right, why not walk all the way to your cabin.  You will feel better, and you won’t even recognize yourself when you walk through that door.

So, come on up.  Give us a try.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, where the marmots will be getting fat, while you are getting thin.
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We are walking down the mountain and my son asks if we are going to go up again.  In my mind I am thinking that this boy has paid his dues.  He has already gone up the mountain multiple times, hiked up steep mountains in snow, spent the night in less than luxury conditions and helped trap marmots.  So I said, “I am going back up, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I would like to go back up.”  He said.  I told him, “That’s awesome, really awesome.”  I almost cried.  I’m just sayin …

My Study Animal: The Yellow-bellied Marmot

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