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Posts Tagged ‘evil’

So, you may not know this about me, but I have a very normal, healthy, amazingly strong, rational fear of hummingbirds.  Hummingbirds are evil.  Seriously, if hummingbirds were six-feet tall, they would take over the planet.  The zombie apocalypse does not scare me, it is the mutation of hummingbirds into anything big enough to take down a human.  I am convinced they could take down a human now if they would just realize exactly how  badass they really are in the grand scheme of things.

For example, their beak is as sharp as a needle.  Are you telling me that if I stabbed you in the eye with a needle, it wouldn’t hurt?  It might even kill you if it was long enough.  Look at the hummingbird below, the sword-billed hummingbird.

"I will kill you!"

“I will kill you!”

That thing will reach your brain.  Hey, it is called the sword-billed hummingbird for a reason.  Deadly!  I know what you’re thinking.  Brett, you are crazy.  That hummingbird could not get close to my eye even if it wanted.  Really?  Really?  Really, Mr. I don’t know nothin’ about these deadly creatures?  Let me break it down for you.

Fact: Hummingbirds can reach top speeds of up to 50 mph.  In relative terms, that is over 350 body lengths per second.  If they were six feet tall, they would be travelling over 1430 miles per hour, greater than the top speed of most fighter jets.

Fact:  Hummingbirds can perform serious aerial maneuvers and can dive with such velocity and acceleration, they will pull up to 10 G’s.  They do this without a suit or in a jet.  They look at pilots and say, “You Wuss!”

Fact:  Hummingbirds can beat their wings up to 80 times per second.  That means they could bitch slap you almost 5,000 times in a minute.

Fact:  Relative to body size, they have the largest brain of any bird.  They will become big, they will rule us with their big brains.

Fact:  They hear and see better than humans.  They can see ultraviolet light.  That’s like having X-ray vision.  They are practically small Supermen.

Fact:  Hummingbirds have a metabolism about 100 times that of an elephant.  They can eat up to eight times their body weight.  If a hummingbird weighed 200 pounds, they would need up to 1600 pounds of nectar to sustain itself.  They will enslave us and make us churn out 1,000’s of pounds of nectar daily.  We will have to each maintain an entire pool filled with sugar water to appease our new masters.

Fact:  Hummingbird flight muscles make up about 30% of their body weight, compared to a paltry 5% for human pectoral muscles.  Hummingbirds would like to Pump (clap) You Up!!!

Fact:  And last, but certainly not least, hummingbirds are extremely aggressive.  They would sooner kill you than look at you.  They attack each  other with reckless abandon.  They have no moral compass, they are not into being nice, they have no need to know who you are or what you are about.  They know one thing and one thing only, and that is to destroy anything that gets between them and their nectar.  Have you watched a hummingbird feeder  lately?  Check out this video (My Hummer Feeder). 

And you don’t know the half of it.  This feeder is empty.  BOOM!!! I just blew your mind.

Seconds after the video was taken, I refilled it with sugar water. Hey! Don’t look at me that way. You damn right I am feeding hummingbirds outside my cabin.  I will be saved when the Hummer Apocalypse comes upon us.  They will remember my skills at creating nectar.  When everyone else is killed, I will be saved.  It won’t be a great life, but at least I will be alive.  It won’t be easy at first.  Sugar water makes the hands sticky, but hey, with some nice kitchen gloves and the occasional cool night (hummingbirds metabolism is so high, they often have to enter torpor, a kind of hibernation, to survive the night), I see happy times ahead.  For now, eat to your heart’s content, little sword carrying speed demons.  If you become freakishly large, remember me and my never-ending flow of nectar.  (Ooh! That sounded dirty.  Forget I wrote that)

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You ever wonder, since the dawn of time, has any hummingbird ever been struck by lightning?  I like to think that at least one has.  I’m just sayin’  …

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So, today is Halloween.  I can’t overstate this enough, I hate Halloween.  If you were to ask me which day out of the 365 or 366 days of the year I hate the most, the answer would be quick and easy, Halloween.  I realize that I am in the clear minority with this, but I don’t care, I could do without the day.  Here is the run down of why:

I hate makeup.  Not the makeup a woman wears to make herself pretty, or the even the makeup an actor might wear on stage.  I hate the caked on obvious kind of makeup.  This includes Mary Kay old women, transvestites, and clowns, especially clowns.  Why do people like clowns?  They are very disturbing, not funny, not funny at all.

I hate strangers at my house.  It is the one day of the year where it is not only acceptable to knock on a stranger’s house, but actually encouraged.  I don’t know these people.  Then on top of that, they show up at my door with their greedy hands out wanting something from me.  this is MY candy.  I bought it with my hard-earned money.  Who do you think you are?

I have a bad childhood experience with Halloween.  First off, I still have a vivid memory of being told to stick my head down in the back of the car that my brother was driving because of some crazy people in chase.  It was in the parking lot of Ganesha High School in California.  Very traumatizing.  Secondly, my oldest brother, Thomas, made it his personal goal to scare me as much as humanly possible.  This was never more true than on Halloween.  Just a day to encourage bad behavior.

I am not a huge fan of candy.  Probably from my childhood days of being denied candy on a regular basis, but nonetheless, I can do without it.  As a matter of fact, I don’t like candy in my house, because if it there, I will eat it.  So, as a general rule, I do not buy the stuff.

I hate glorifying evil.  Once again, this is the only day of the year where it is encouraged to dress up like the dead, ghosts, goblins, murderers, death, etc.  It’s gross.  I don’t care what your beliefs are, but to actively invite evil into your life disturbs me.

I hate strangers.  I realize this is similar to my previous point of strangers at my house, but this point can’t be stressed enough.  I hate strangers.  Strangers in costume, even worse.

And finally, here as some rules that I think should be followed on this horrid day:

If you are 13 or older, no trick or treating.  A city banned this in Illinois and I completely support the move (http://www.kltv.com/Global/story.asp?S=13413268).

If you have a baby in a costume, or a child that can not speak or go up to the door on their own, but you are collecting candy on their behalf, you need serious help.  I realize that the food stamps may not be sufficient, but using Halloween to go shopping is just wrong.  And they always look like they have just got out of a stereotype movie.  One couple I saw was literally barefoot, dressed like hillbillies.  Costumes? I don’t think so.

If you are a teenager, which you shouldn’t be (see above) you should have an excellent costume.  A wife beater t-shirt and ripped dreams (criminal on Cops) does not count.

No reaching or grabbing for candy.  You will be SHOT!

So, that is how I feel.  I am sure you disagree, but I am clearly right on this one.

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Is it me or are Halloween costumes geared towards women? I took my son to Halloween Express to get him a Superman costume.  I felt like I needed to blindfold him as we walked the aisles.  Sexy cop, sexy prisoner, sexy football player, sexy hooker. OK, I made up that last one, or did I?  I talked to my students about this and we determined that there are levels.  Skank is the worst, followed by Whoorish, and then Trashy, followed by Revealing, and then Sexy.  Just in case you were wondering.  I’m just sayin’ …

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