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Posts Tagged ‘everyone poops’

So, I am going to attempt to convince you of something that you are most likely going to disagree.  Now, if you didn’t know me, you might think that being right is one of the most important things in my life.  This could not be farther from the truth.  The reality is that I only defend positions that I have given a great deal of consideration and believe with all of my heart are correct positions.  As a matter of fact, I believe in most cases, the few issues that I believe to be correct are so well-supported that most intelligent people would agree with me on those particular issues … until now.

Most people reading this blog are going to disagree with its main point.  But make no mistake when I say this:  I am right.

Pooping in public should be unacceptable.  I have discussed this before in a previous blog, but this time, I have a mission:  Convince the reader to be like me.

Required reading for EVERYONE.

I just completed a month’s stint in the mountains and stayed in a cabin that did not have a bathroom.  I had no choice but to use the common bathhouse for my business.  However, with some luck and careful planning, I almost always had the entire bathroom to myself, except one fateful moment.  After scouting the bathroom and surrounding cabins, I determined that there was a high probability that I would have at least five minutes before any male entered the bathroom.  It also helped that the field station was female biased.  After going through my checklist, I determined it was safe to use the facilities.  After my cleaning the toilet routine, I sat down feeling secure that operation ‘Private Moment” was a go.  And then the unthinkable happened.  Someone entered the bathroom and opened the stall next to mine.  WHAT?!?!  SERIOUSLY? Are you freakin kidding me?  Are you really that comfortable with this that you can do it right next to me?  How is this acceptable?  I may never go to the bathroom again.

In the next few paragraphs I am going to attempt to explain to you with unfailing logic to why our current system of public restrooms should be radically changed.  Specifically, I will address why pooping in public restrooms, as they are currently designed, should not be tolerated.  I know you think I am crazy, but please continue reading with as open of a mind as possible.  The problem is everyone poops.  I get that, but not everyone poops in the same way.  For example, most people fall into one of the following categories:

  • Morning #2 – You take care of business first thing in the morning.  As a matter fact, your day does not even begin until this happens.
  • The Three SHs – Basically it is a package deal with a shave, shower and sh#!.
  • Java People – nothing gets moving until after your morning coffee
  • Afternoon Sitters – You are weird people, because unless you work at home, you are pooping at work on a regular basis.  Stop it!
    Change your schedule.  This is simply unnecessary.
  • Nighttime Sitters – You are a more uncommon breed than Afternoon Sitters as you like to go before bed time.  Not as weird as Afternoon Sitters, but still a little out there.  Especially if your bathroom is near your bedroom, which means you are going to sleep in that
    climate, which is just gross.
  • Big Meal Pressure (BMP) – I would also call you the ‘baby’ poopers, because you seem to need to go as a result of eating, especially big
    meals.  The problem with this group is you never ever want to invite them over your house for a meal.  If you do, have the candles lit and burning.
  • Poop As Needed (PAN) – You are the rarest of breeds.  I could also call you random poopers, but the bottom line is, unlike most people, your number 2 is NOT on a schedule.  And quite frankly, it is because of your kind that public bathrooms exist.

Other than emergencies, most people are on a schedule; which  means why use a public bathroom when you shouldn’t have to?  Think about it.  Why is it OK to do your business next to  someone else with only an inch thick of hollow metal and space both above and  below your stall divider?  I know what  you are thinking:  Brett, you are  crazy!  Everyone poops.  It’s natural.  It is OK.  Really?  Let me paint the following picture of a very  natural thing that many people do: sex.

In order to remove all possible moral issues, imagine the  following:  Two married couples with the  intention of making a baby decide to share in the baby making experience  together.  They rent a hotel with two  queen beds.  They ask the front desk for  an extra sheet.  They take the sheet and  hang it from the ceiling in between the two queen beds so that each couple has “privacy”.   Then, beginning at 10pm both married couples have sex in their prospective beds in an attempt to make a child.

This is not a moral issue, this is a cultural one.  Neither couple is doing anything wrong,  however, in common (emphasis on the word ‘common’) circles this would be  unacceptable behavior.  What is more  natural than a married couple trying to have a baby?  And yet, this type of lascivious behavior is  happening in thousands of bathrooms across the United States every day.  It’s a cultural thing, and it needs to  stop.  We are not the worse country when it comes to cultural norms around this subject.   For example, in Paris, there are many restaurants that have bathrooms with a hole in the ground.  Not a dirt  hole, but a porcelain, specially designed hole in the floor with places where  your feet go.  So, I realize it could be  worse, but I feel I must at least try with my readers to begin the revolution  of changing our potty culture.

At a Rockies/Brewers game recently, I was at a bus station  waiting for the bus to get us back to Boulder.   I went to pee and noticed the bathroom stalls did NOT have doors … and  someone was using one of them!!!  Am I  REALLY the only one against this?

Here is what needs to happen.  Unless you are younger than 10 years old, you  do not need a public potty.  If potties  are to exist, they need to be private.   If a bathroom must have multiple stalls, they need to be isolated from  each other by both sound and ventilation.   Toilets need to be cleaned by staff every 30 minutes.  Each stall will have a button that will turn  a signal light on giving everyone in the bathroom a warning that someone is about  to exit the stall.  This light will  remain lit for 30 seconds before door is opened.  Talking and eye contact in bathrooms is prohibited.

Believe it or not, I would love to hear your opinion on this  subject.  Do you disagree?  Of course you do, but I am still right.  At the very least, don’t leave the stall until I leave the bathroom.  I do not  want to put a face with what just happened in there.

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TWO FOR THE ROAD (pun intended)

My son, Isaac is four years old.  My wife, Leah can bring him into the women’s bathroom with no repercussions.  I find it fascinating that when my daughter Violet turns four, bringing her in to the male bathroom would be unacceptable.  I’m just sayin …

Brett and I saw the last Harry Potter movie.  We loved it.  As a matter of fact it was my favorite Potter movie and may go see it
again.  But one thing happened that supports my conspiracy theory of movies killing off black people.  Draco Malfoy has two best friends in the
books, Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe (In the movies, both are white).  However, in the last movie, Draco is seen with Goyle and a black kid (I don’t recall if he was given a name).

<<<<SPOILER ALERT>>>>

Black kid dies in a fire.
Really?  What happened to Crabbe?  Why does Malfoy’s one black friend got to die?  It’s Jurassic Park all over again.  I’m just sayin …

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Required reading for EVERYONE.

So, I do not use public bathrooms, at least for #2.  Never have, never will.  If you see me taking a poop in a public bathroom, I can guarantee you I was seconds from messing my pants.  Now don’t get me wrong, I’m weird, I get that.  I do not blame people for using the public bathroom, but for me there are too many issues.

The first issue is cleanliness.  Do you know where most people have been? Exactly.  Just gross.  And this in spite the fact that the toilet is possibly the cleanest surface in the house.  Don’t believe me?  See Mythbusters episode 135: Hidden Nasties.  I don’t care, if it ain’t my toilet seat, or a close family member’s seat, I don’t trust it.

Secondly, privacy.  I want the illusion that no one is in ear shot of my business.

Third, privacy.  I sometimes go to the bathroom just to get some time to myself.  Especially at home with my three kids.  And no Isaac, it is neither a spectator sport nor a group activity.  I don’t know if you have little children, but my 3-year-old still doesn’t understand why I need to go to the bathroom by myself.  It is also a great place to get caught up on fun light reading.

Finally, like parents having sex, I would prefer the world not know I actually do that.  I also feel this way about the world.  I do not want to know that you poop.  I don’t care what the classic literature says “Everyone Poops”.  I do not want to know that you poop.

So, here is ONE simple rule I have for everyone that chooses to poop in a public bathroom:

Never, and I mean NEVER leave the stall while I am in the bathroom.

That’s it.

I get that you gotta go, but I do not want to put a face with what I just heard, smelled, and experienced of whatever you were doing in there.  I just don’t.  Bring a magazine, take a pencil to write on the wall, hum your favorite tune quietly to yourself, plan your day, but whatever you do, do not leave that stall until I have washed my hands and left the room.  As far as I am concerned, this is common courtesy.  I’m just sayin …

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