Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘France’

So, I am going to attempt to convince you of something that you are most likely going to disagree.  Now, if you didn’t know me, you might think that being right is one of the most important things in my life.  This could not be farther from the truth.  The reality is that I only defend positions that I have given a great deal of consideration and believe with all of my heart are correct positions.  As a matter of fact, I believe in most cases, the few issues that I believe to be correct are so well-supported that most intelligent people would agree with me on those particular issues … until now.

Most people reading this blog are going to disagree with its main point.  But make no mistake when I say this:  I am right.

Pooping in public should be unacceptable.  I have discussed this before in a previous blog, but this time, I have a mission:  Convince the reader to be like me.

Required reading for EVERYONE.

I just completed a month’s stint in the mountains and stayed in a cabin that did not have a bathroom.  I had no choice but to use the common bathhouse for my business.  However, with some luck and careful planning, I almost always had the entire bathroom to myself, except one fateful moment.  After scouting the bathroom and surrounding cabins, I determined that there was a high probability that I would have at least five minutes before any male entered the bathroom.  It also helped that the field station was female biased.  After going through my checklist, I determined it was safe to use the facilities.  After my cleaning the toilet routine, I sat down feeling secure that operation ‘Private Moment” was a go.  And then the unthinkable happened.  Someone entered the bathroom and opened the stall next to mine.  WHAT?!?!  SERIOUSLY? Are you freakin kidding me?  Are you really that comfortable with this that you can do it right next to me?  How is this acceptable?  I may never go to the bathroom again.

In the next few paragraphs I am going to attempt to explain to you with unfailing logic to why our current system of public restrooms should be radically changed.  Specifically, I will address why pooping in public restrooms, as they are currently designed, should not be tolerated.  I know you think I am crazy, but please continue reading with as open of a mind as possible.  The problem is everyone poops.  I get that, but not everyone poops in the same way.  For example, most people fall into one of the following categories:

  • Morning #2 – You take care of business first thing in the morning.  As a matter fact, your day does not even begin until this happens.
  • The Three SHs – Basically it is a package deal with a shave, shower and sh#!.
  • Java People – nothing gets moving until after your morning coffee
  • Afternoon Sitters – You are weird people, because unless you work at home, you are pooping at work on a regular basis.  Stop it!
    Change your schedule.  This is simply unnecessary.
  • Nighttime Sitters – You are a more uncommon breed than Afternoon Sitters as you like to go before bed time.  Not as weird as Afternoon Sitters, but still a little out there.  Especially if your bathroom is near your bedroom, which means you are going to sleep in that
    climate, which is just gross.
  • Big Meal Pressure (BMP) – I would also call you the ‘baby’ poopers, because you seem to need to go as a result of eating, especially big
    meals.  The problem with this group is you never ever want to invite them over your house for a meal.  If you do, have the candles lit and burning.
  • Poop As Needed (PAN) – You are the rarest of breeds.  I could also call you random poopers, but the bottom line is, unlike most people, your number 2 is NOT on a schedule.  And quite frankly, it is because of your kind that public bathrooms exist.

Other than emergencies, most people are on a schedule; which  means why use a public bathroom when you shouldn’t have to?  Think about it.  Why is it OK to do your business next to  someone else with only an inch thick of hollow metal and space both above and  below your stall divider?  I know what  you are thinking:  Brett, you are  crazy!  Everyone poops.  It’s natural.  It is OK.  Really?  Let me paint the following picture of a very  natural thing that many people do: sex.

In order to remove all possible moral issues, imagine the  following:  Two married couples with the  intention of making a baby decide to share in the baby making experience  together.  They rent a hotel with two  queen beds.  They ask the front desk for  an extra sheet.  They take the sheet and  hang it from the ceiling in between the two queen beds so that each couple has “privacy”.   Then, beginning at 10pm both married couples have sex in their prospective beds in an attempt to make a child.

This is not a moral issue, this is a cultural one.  Neither couple is doing anything wrong,  however, in common (emphasis on the word ‘common’) circles this would be  unacceptable behavior.  What is more  natural than a married couple trying to have a baby?  And yet, this type of lascivious behavior is  happening in thousands of bathrooms across the United States every day.  It’s a cultural thing, and it needs to  stop.  We are not the worse country when it comes to cultural norms around this subject.   For example, in Paris, there are many restaurants that have bathrooms with a hole in the ground.  Not a dirt  hole, but a porcelain, specially designed hole in the floor with places where  your feet go.  So, I realize it could be  worse, but I feel I must at least try with my readers to begin the revolution  of changing our potty culture.

At a Rockies/Brewers game recently, I was at a bus station  waiting for the bus to get us back to Boulder.   I went to pee and noticed the bathroom stalls did NOT have doors … and  someone was using one of them!!!  Am I  REALLY the only one against this?

Here is what needs to happen.  Unless you are younger than 10 years old, you  do not need a public potty.  If potties  are to exist, they need to be private.   If a bathroom must have multiple stalls, they need to be isolated from  each other by both sound and ventilation.   Toilets need to be cleaned by staff every 30 minutes.  Each stall will have a button that will turn  a signal light on giving everyone in the bathroom a warning that someone is about  to exit the stall.  This light will  remain lit for 30 seconds before door is opened.  Talking and eye contact in bathrooms is prohibited.

Believe it or not, I would love to hear your opinion on this  subject.  Do you disagree?  Of course you do, but I am still right.  At the very least, don’t leave the stall until I leave the bathroom.  I do not  want to put a face with what just happened in there.

—————————————————————————————-

TWO FOR THE ROAD (pun intended)

My son, Isaac is four years old.  My wife, Leah can bring him into the women’s bathroom with no repercussions.  I find it fascinating that when my daughter Violet turns four, bringing her in to the male bathroom would be unacceptable.  I’m just sayin …

Brett and I saw the last Harry Potter movie.  We loved it.  As a matter of fact it was my favorite Potter movie and may go see it
again.  But one thing happened that supports my conspiracy theory of movies killing off black people.  Draco Malfoy has two best friends in the
books, Gregory Goyle and Vincent Crabbe (In the movies, both are white).  However, in the last movie, Draco is seen with Goyle and a black kid (I don’t recall if he was given a name).

<<<<SPOILER ALERT>>>>

Black kid dies in a fire.
Really?  What happened to Crabbe?  Why does Malfoy’s one black friend got to die?  It’s Jurassic Park all over again.  I’m just sayin …

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

So, I feel like my ears are being raped by CNN right now.  OK, that is a weird way to start a blog, but it is true.  I am in transit to a conference in Portland, Oregon and blasting through every speaker of O’Hare and also in the Minneapolis airport is the trial of the mother that allegedly killed her daughter.  I think her name is Casey.  Apparently it is a “Developing” story, but so far it has been a “Will someone please stick knives into both of my ears” story.  I am seriously in agony right now.

Which brings me to today’s blog topic:  When did travelling begin to seriously ‘Suck Ass’?  I actually thought seriously about the appropriate description of the state of travelling today, and after serious mental deliberation, and considering the numerous options, I finally settled on ‘Suck Ass’ as the best label for United States travel today.  A major part of the negative experience are the travellers themselves.  I understand that in a ‘Post 9-11’ world, as everyone calls it, air travel is especially an arduous experience with long lines, heightened security and scanners that reveal your private parts.  On a side note:  I am proud to say that the woman who did my scan at O’Hare gave me an especially bigger than usual smile upon seeing I was not concealing anything dangerous and allowed me to move forward to the air terminals.  I thought the pat down in the private room was a little over the top, but everyone is asked to turn their head and cough.  Right?

I digress.  the problem with travel these days are the travellers.  I am telling you, the workers at O’Hare went out of their way to be super nice.  I got ‘good mornings’, ‘how are you today sir’, ‘let me help you with that’, ‘you need a bin?’, ‘have a great day’, from just about everyone.  Now, if you read my blog, you know that people are nice to me where ever I go, it must be my face or something, but this was beyond just my ‘entice people to talk to me in spite of my desire to NOT talk to them’ personality.  These airport employees were genuinely trying to make the experience as pleasant as possible.  So why are people so cantankerous?  Here is a list of behaviors that I simply think are uncalled for:

1.  Employee – “That will be 25 bucks to check your bag.”
Traveller – “What?!?  That’s highway robbery.  This is an outrage!”

Guess what?  You’re right, but you know what, the person at the counter is not going to disobey their company’s rules because you think the baggage charge is unfair.  Unless you have been living under a rock, you knew that you were going to be charged, so don’t act so surprised.  So, shut up, pay your 25 bucks, and get out of line so I can get my boarding pass.  Next time fly Southwest and then you can complain about not having a seat assignment.

2.  Employee – “Sorry ma’am, but your carry-on is too big, we are going to have to check it for free.
Traveller – “What?!?  It fit on the other plane!  You guys suck.  Huff and puff.  Give up bag begrudgingly.

Part of the reason these things bug me is because these travellers never make their complaints private or quietly.  They want everyone in ear shot to know that they have been wronged by the system.  What makes it even worse when they look around for perfect strangers to join their cause.  They look at you, or even say to you, “This sucks right?”  Don’t involve me in your tirade.  You want to start a revolution?  Pick a better topic and just thank your lucky stars that you have the means to take an airplane in the first place.  You can literally go across the country in FOUR FREAKIN’ HOURS!  How awesome is that?  Chill out.

3.  Travellers rushing to the door and waiting in long lines and ‘protecting’ their spot.

If you are a frequent traveller of the skies, I have a secret to tell you:  Whether you are first in line or last in line, your seat is the same and the plane will not leave without you.  You are rushing to sit down and wait for everyone else.  This is also true on the other side.  No matter how quickly you get off the plane, your luggage will arrive the same time as mine.  You are rushing to wait at the baggage carousel.  Chill out.

4.  Flight Attendant – ‘Please turn your cell phone off.”
Traveler either does not turn off their cell phone right away or does so with an attitude.  Your phone call or text is not that important.

5.  My favorite traveler annoying behavior only occurs during the winter.  People pissed off because they have to wait for the wings of the plane to be de-iced.  Seriously?  A similar version of this happened to me in Paris, France.  A bomb threat was called in and they had to unload every plan at Charles De Gaulle.  Most people were patient, but there were a number of travellers that were openly complaining about the delays.  Do you want to take a guess to what nationality these people were?  You guessed it, Americans.

Well, travelling does suck ass, but I bet it would be a lot better if people were a little less angry about it and took a moment to realize how convenient we have it here.  As long as turbulence is low, landings are safe, flight attendants are cute, and I get my ginger ale, I’ll be happy.  I do miss free food and a higher percentage of flights with in-flight movies, but what are you going to do.  Besides, if you really hate flying, there is always the bus.  You think the people on plains are bad, wait to you see the freak show on Greyhound.  In the mean time, chill out.

In order to make my flying experience tolerable, I have a few rituals/beliefs.  You see I am not afraid of flying, but I am a nervous flyer.  Here is a list of my flying rituals/beliefs (Not a single one of these is exaggerated):

  1. I believe if a cell phone is left on it will cause the plane to crash
  2. I’d rather pee on myself than get up while the fasten your seatbelts sign is illuminated
  3. If someone else gets up while the fasten your seatbelts sign is on the plane will crash
  4. I think take off and landing are the most likely times the plane will crash
  5. I am most nervous during takeoffs, planes rarely crash when landing.  Not true, but I believe it which is all that matters.
  6. Once I hear that first ‘ding’ I believe everything will be OK
  7. Once the plane is at cruising altitude, it should never go down for any reason.  It can go up to a higher altitude, but not down until landing.  Going down to land is OK.
  8. If I don’t drink ginger ale, the plane will crash.
  9. If there is a baby on board the plane, the plane is less likely to crash, not impossible, just highly unlikely
  10. I have the same rituals and prayer on the tarmac to takeoff and I never miss a part of the ritual or prayer.  If I forget something, the plane will crash

I especially hate turbulence.  If I am not sitting next to my wife or my kids, I need two things to happen for me to remain calm during turbulence, and they both involve the flight attendants.
1.  Flight attendants need to be unphased by the plane shaking.  If they show any fear on their face whatsoever, I will FREAK out.  The only exception to this are clouds.  I understand why a plane experiences turbulence in clouds, and therefore I am OK with cloud turbulence.  My brain soothes me with knowledge.
2.  Secondly, and linked to the first, is that the attendants must be good looking.  They have to be a minimum of a 6 on the flight attendant beauty scale.  This is also true for men.  When it comes to flight attendants, I am bisexual.  If I am going to obtain solace in your calm face, it must be a face that I do not mind looking at.  Being a good looking flight attendant should be a requirement for the job.

————————————————————————

I am not anti fat people.  I am overweight myself, but is there anything more demoralizing than needing a seat belt extender when you fly.  I guess it could be worse, you could need to buy two seats.  I’m just sayin …

Read Full Post »