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Posts Tagged ‘shopping’

So, I have decided that there is no proper way to ask a woman in a grocery store if she is a stripper or not.

I have also decided that strippers do most of their shopping between 4 and 5 and nine times out of ten are dragging a kid in tow.  I can’t prove this (see above), but I believe it to be true.

I went to the nicest Walmart I have ever seen today.  The people were still ghetto.  I am convinced that Walmart has an ugly requirement.  Not a single good-looking person was working there, NOT ONE.

If I sold sweats, especially crushed velvet sweats outside a Walmart, I would make a killing.

Taco Bell was sued this year because it was claimed that their “beef” burritos only contained approximately 35% beef.  Taco Bell responded by stating that their “beef” burritos are actually 88% beef.  I don’t have a problem with their burritos only being 88% beef, what bugs me is the fact that they refuse to tell the American public what the remaining 12% contains.  The only thing they will state are spices.  I haven’t eaten at Taco Bell since, and won’t till I find out what that 12% contains.  I eat hot dogs for Pete’s sake, I’m not picky, I just want to know what it is.

April first is taken seriously in my house.  The trick last year was my son getting my wife to come running in response to him yelling that he broke his leg.  Very funny.  This year, my son brought home a pink slip.  The pink slip stated that he disrespected the lunch ladies.  Leah said to me, “Has Brett talked to you?  It’s not good.”  I gave Brett a stern talking to for a full minute before he broke and said “April Fools!”  My wife began busting out laughing.  Not as funny this year.

I just read an article that surveyed hundreds of business people asking if it was OK for women to cry at work. More men than women said it was OK.  Women stated that crying made the women appear unstable.  This is further evidence that women are vindictive, evil creatures.

Marriage is interesting.  It is clearly religious, yet most people desire to get married, including atheist and non-traditional relationships, such as homosexuals, and this in spite of the obstacles in front of them.  What is it about marriage?  It is clearly more cultural than religious.  It is one of the few traditions that if you do not participate in it could be awkward.  Nonetheless, I wish the best to my buddy, Nick who is marrying a wonderful lady, Laura tomorrow.  Good luck you guys!  No jokes, just best wishes.

My wife is very excited about attending the wedding tomorrow.  She asked me if I was excited.  I said no.  She did not understand why I wasn’t excited for the wedding.  I only had one response, “Cause I’m a guy.”  There better be an open bar.

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Sorry for the long lag between blogs.  If I could blog everyday, I would.  I’m just sayin …

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So, recently I have seen what television turns into at 2 o’clock in the morning and it is not pretty.  Normally I am not up at 2am and if I am, I am usually working.  As a matter of fact, I don’t recall watching TV in the middle of the night for several years now.  So, when I had a tummy ache Saturday night and no desire to go down to my cold basement to watch Scrubs Season 6 or play Wii Lego Harry Potter, I decided to watch some good ol’ fashion television.  I was shocked!

Let’s start the show with a little Comedy Central playing one of my favorite comics, Louis C.K.  (Check out a very funny bit from Jay Leno)  I turn on the station and get my blankets in place and get comfortable on the couch, when I hear the word F#@& and Motherf#@&er.  And I’m like WHAT!?!  I continue to listen to the comedy act on television, granted cable television, but still, NOT a Pay channel, and the cuss words are just flying.  Not a single bleep in sight.  So, it got me thinking, what else is on television right now.  And leave it to TV that gives so much and asks so little, I give you …

Shop Erotic on the Oxygen Channel.  Now, I have no idea what the Oxygen channel is or why it named after a gas necessary for animal life, but there it was hosted by two women dressed very professionally.  Had it not been for the products they were selling, like the Turbo Glider, or the Deluxe Rabbit Pearl, both of which are for females and I could not tell you what they are or what they do to save my life, but nonetheless, there they were for all the world to see and to buy, and apparently 30% off, what a bargain.  But seriously, had it not been for the products, it would have looked like any other ordinary shopping channel.  The women spoke very professionally and spoke about the special features of the new vibrating pink dildo like you would of a special grilling feature of a Foreman Grill.  When did this happen?

Nowadays, most people have at least basic cable.  And under normal during-the-day circumstances, there is nothing on basic cable that would surprise me.  Even when Comedy Central airs comics, they bleep out most of the bad words.  When did the FCC say it was OK to do anything you want after 2am?  I had no idea this was going on.  Am I appalled? Not really, but I am shocked.  I have no plans on writing my congressman, but I was quite surprised by what I was seeing on TV.  And of course, I watched for at least 20 minutes of all this, mainly because it was like watching a car wreck, I could not turn away.  And yes, I did order like 100 bucks worth of stuff, but that was purely for research.  No, just kidding, I did not order anything, but it did get me thinking about people watching TV at 2am.  If you are sitting on your couch, watching TV at 2am on a regular basis, and you don’t have an excuse like insomnia, illness, or woken up by a baby, than you might need to evaluate your life.  I won’t say reevaluate your life, because if I am speaking about you, then you probably have never evaluated your life to begin with.

Is this new training, and if so, for what?

 

So, I finally, I change the channel, and what do I see?  The Shake Weight.  

COME ON!!

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I have relatively few absolute beliefs, but one absolute belief I have is that you should never run out of toilet paper.  Toilet paper is one of the few items that if you were to go to the store right now and buy 1000 rolls, they would not go to waste.  As a matter of fact, at some point, you would have to buy more toilet paper.  So, the idea of running out of toilet paper is ludicrous.  So, nothing angers me more than to sit down for my daily constitution and to look up and see that there is no toilet paper.  Sacrilege.  This should never ever happen.  And can someone explain to me why the idea of running out of toilet paper only occurred when I started living with a woman.  What you are you ladies doing with the stuff?  Seriously, are you rolling your entire hand and making a toilet paper glove?  I’m just sayin …

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So, the other day I had to go to Kohl’s to buy shoes for myself and some shorts for my son, Brett. I had a 30% off coupon on top of the sale Kohl’s was already having (I love Kohl’s. Are they ever NOT having a sale?) And Brett Jr. came with me. On our way out, Leah, my wife asked me if I would buy her a bra. My wife is due to have a baby girl any day now, and she is preparing for her new milk-laden boobs. Too much information? Anyhoo, I said, sure, and was on my way. I was surprisingly comfortable with the idea of buying her a bra. I don’t know what that says about me, but I digress. Now, you might be asking the simple question, how could I possibly buy a bra for my wife? If you are a man, you are asking for “man” reasons. If you are woman, you are asking because you know how difficult it is to find a bra that fits properly. Well, the answer is simple; Leah gave me a bra to take with me. She said, “Here, find this bra, but in a different size.” And she told me the size, which I will not mention here just in case that is too personal. So, I walked into Kohl’s with bra in hand prepared to purchase Leah’s “milk” bra, again surprisingly comfortable with this. I asked for help immediately, and asked a Kohl’s employee “Help me find this bra, but in a different size, please.” She was very helpful, but unfortunately, after about 30 minutes of searching and checking the computer, it was discovered that they did not make this particular bra in the size requested. On to get my shoes and Brett’s shorts, this took about 10 minutes.

Now, I apologize for this long introduction to the real reason for this blog. Why aren’t more women upset about the clothing size system? I mean it is ridiculous. Based on my surprisingly vast experience with women’s clothing, here is a list of the things I think all women should strive to change:
1. The sizes that are easiest to find in a store are driven by the “ideal” body type. How many of you reading this blog are the “ideal” body type? Which means if you are smaller than average or bigger than average in any area of your body, you are hosed. How do you accept this? At least for guys there is a big and tall store. Where is your Plump and Beautiful store? Huh?
2. Size actually has no meaning. If I gave you 10 bras made by 10 companies and they were all 36C, I guarantee that each bra would fit differently. It forces women to try on hundreds of bras to find the one that fits. So, when you do find the brand and size that fits, you NEVER leave that brand/size. You are officially trapped by a company, hook, line and sinker. No one is upset by this? These companies are playing you. With relatively few exceptions, I can walk into a store, look for my waist size and my length and walk out with pants that fit, and that is without trying anything on, easy. Which brings me to my third point:
3. Women clothing in general do not use measurements to categorize. What’s up with this? What is a C cup? Does anyone know? What if cup size was actually related to the cup measurement?  Now, this would make sense.  So, let’s imagine the breast as a fillable cup.  If we could fill the breast up with one cup of water, then we could call you a 1-Cup.  Two cups, three cups, etc.   One could even imagine gallon size.  Yikes!  Now this is a good idea.  How come no one has thought of this?  Brilliant, I tells ya.  Brilliant!  “Honey, could you go get me a 36-Two cup?  A 36-2.5 cup would also work.  Thanks.”  Too easy.

And don’t get me started on dress sizes, or pants.  What does size 8 actually mean? Is there a mathematical formula to determine petite? Men would NEVER put up with this, but more importantly, it blows my mind that women put up with this. There is got to be a better system, one that actually makes sense. Now, I would forgive these arbitrary categories if they actually meant something, however, a size 8 is not an 8 is not an 8. It all depends on who makes the size 8. I’m sorry, but this is just stupid.  What is even worse, they are making the sizes bigger.  In other words, if you were a size 8 in 2007, you are probably a size 6 now, even though you weigh exactly the same.  Why?  Because the clothing company knows you will feel better buying a size 6, so if they make their size 6 bigger than company X’s size 6, you will buy from them so that you can tell all your friends that you are a size 6.  RIDICULOUS!!!
4. Finally, the cost. Women’s clothes in general are significantly more expensive than men’s clothes. Do women’s pants cost more to make than men’s? I don’t think so. I have never made clothes, but I would bet dimes to donuts that the process is not all that different. Maybe I am wrong.

So, let the revolution begin now. Women unite. I will be your leader, because I am surprisingly comfortable doing so (see above). No more. We will not be moved. We will no longer accept the changing sizes with manufacturers, we demand sizes that make sense, and we will not rest until we have clothing that are made for the common woman and not the supposed “ideal” super model physique that only exists on television and in movies. Our time is now. We have had all we can stand and we can’t stands no more!
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Seriously, cup size should be related to actual measurements?  What is the actual difference between B and C? Does anyone know? What is higher than D? How cool would it be to say your wife or girlfriend is pint, quart or freakish gallon?  Of course in Europe it would be a liter.  But letters for breast size?   It’s almost like a joke that people took seriously. I’m just sayin …

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