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Posts Tagged ‘fish’

So, last February, my wife and I were enjoying a lovely Valentine’s dinner and I had what in my opinion was a brilliant idea: Anti-Valentine’s Day.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not actually against Valentine’s Day.  As matter of fact, I enjoy Valentine’s Day a lot, but I got to wondering about how fake it might be, or at least has become.  You may have heard people say, “I don’t celebrate V-Day, because everyday is V-Day.”  Well, other than the fact that this is usually a statement made by guys, the lazy, and people in general full of BS, it did make me ponder about the authenticity of V-Day.

Why was I so interested in creating Anti-Valentine’s Day?  The simple answer is, I don’t know, but the more complicated answer involves a trip down memory lane involving “The Salmon Incident”.  My wife and I were in a long-distance relationship in the beginning.  She lived in Oxford, England.  I liked Oxford.  I would have moved there if I did not have ties in the US.  Nonetheless, whenever I visited she would cook me a nice dinner on the first night, usually salmon.  I am sure you are aware of England’s reputation for fish and chips, but they also, according to my wife, have excellent salmon.  She would rave about the high quality of their salmon and how it was the best she ever tasted.  So, she used my visits as an excuse to cook salmon.  After the fifth or sixth time she cooked me salmon, I finally had to tell her, “I’m not a huge fan of salmon.”  It’s not that I hate salmon, but if I only had salmon once a year or every couple of years, I would be just fine.  Needless to say, she stopped cooking me salmon and now every time we discuss the need to not have secrets in our relationship, we refer back to the ‘The Salmon Incident’.

So, it got me thinking about relationships.  I bet every relationship has secrets.  I am not talking about big secrets, like a secret love child, but little secrets, like I hate that one shirt that you always wear.  So, during our Valentine’s Dinner, I revealed to my wife an idea for a new holiday, Anti-Valentine’s Day.  At first she was dubious.  She felt strongly that this was a veiled attempt at getting permission to tell her a secret.  After ten minutes of convincing her that I had did not have any big surprises for her, and thereby ruining Valentine’s Day, she was willing to hear me out.

Here is how it works:  Once a year, I recommend February 15, you get to share one secret with your significant other.  Again, this is NOT big secret day, but a little secret.  I think it should be the day after Valentine’s Day, that way you don’t miss out on getting some, because you ain’t getting any after Anti-Valentine’s Day.  For example, I told this idea to a friend of mine, and he had a little secret immediately.  I was actually surprised how quickly he had his secret, it was clearly ready and loaded in the chamber.  He was upset that his wife never empties the trash.  She will allow the trash to pile as high as the ceiling, but she will never take it out.  This is a great example of a secret to be shared on Anti-Valentine’s Day.  How would this not be positive for any relationship?

Now would be a good time to apologize to any unsuspecting person on the receiving end of this idea.  If you choose to do this with your spouse and it blows up in your face, do not blame me.  But aren’t these the secrets that grow and fester in any relationship?  It is easy to let things go in the beginning, the lust phase, but what about 5-10 years down the road?  When will you pick up the dirty underwear off the floor and snap?  The 10th time?  100th time?  Hence, Anti-Valentine’s Day, the savior or destroyer of relationships.  My wife stated that in order for this day to work, there must be rules agreed upon by both parties.  For example:  The secret can’t be huge, it must be a minor secret that falls in the annoying category.  You cant’ get mad.  If you agree to do this, know blowing up at your partner.  It must be something that can actually be changed and surgery doesn’t count.  If you are not happy with your partner’s breast or penis size, well, you just need to come to terms with that.  This also includes being overweight.  If you think your partner is too fat, well, good luck with that one.

So, what is your salmon incident?  Do you have something you have always wanted to tell your spouse, but it has gone on too long and you are afraid it is too late?  If so, maybe Anti-Valentine’s Day is for you.  If you try it, I would love to hear how it went, but don’t blame me if it goes horribly wrong.

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My wife kept pushing me to reveal my secret, convinced I was hiding something.  The only thing I had was that she often left a room and kept the lights on.  She also does this thing where she will walk into the living room while I am watching TV and complain that I have all the curtains closed.  She will then open all the curtains and say, “That’s better.” and then leave.  What?  She doesn’t do this anymore, because I have already told her, but if I hadn’t it would be a great candidate for Anti-Valentine’s Day.  The question is not what is your issue, but how quickly will it jump to your brain upon reading this blog?  Was it 10 seconds? A minute?  Or immediately upon reading relationship secret?  I’m just sayin’ …

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So, I have spent most Thanksgiving holidays at my mom’s house.  I may have missed two over the last 40 years of my life.  So, it is a bit unusual to be home for Thanksgiving.  The real unusual part is that my mom is here now.  She is having Thanksgiving with us this year.  Am I nervous?  Of course I am.

Basically, if you live anywhere near my mom’s house and know my mom, you are expecting to have dinner with my mom.  The fact that she is here as thrown off a lot of people’s lives and stomachs.  She is a very good cook, and people from all around the country can think of a dish right now that would make them drool a little.  Thanksgiving at my mom’s house is pretty basic: It includes, turkey, ham, duck,sometimes ribs, stuffing, mashed potatoes, collared greens, sweet potatoes, homemade mac n cheese, green bean casserole, rolls, and of course can-shaped cranberry sauce.  For dessert, lemon merengue pie, sweet potato pie, sometimes pound cake, and my favorite, apple pie.  Sound like a lot of food?  Well it usually is and it doesn’t matter if five or 50 people show up, she would cook the same amount regardless.

As I put the turkey in the oven this morning, my mom was there.  When I made the stuffing last might, my mom was there.  Going through my mind the whole time was, “Do no harm.”  So, hopefully everything will go OK.  Our meal will be about the same, turkey, green bean casserole, mashed potatoes, rolls, and my wife has added a mushroom wild rice dish, which might only be eaten by her.  That might sound harsh, but it is not meant to be a commentary on the quality of the dish, it is just outside my Thanksgiving box.  I will of course eat some and take one for the team.  Again, I think it is a good dish, just not a huge fan of wild rice, it makes me feel like I should be a rabbit rather than a human when I eat it.  What animal eats wild rice?

My mom did make the sweet potato pie and apple pie yesterday, which is good, because to not have her apple pie would be wrong.  So, I am looking forward to the day.  I have two friends coming over later.  We should have a lot of food.  And of course some good football games (for a change).  Hopefully my mom will not have any major problems with my cooking.  If she does say something bad about my turkey, I will just have to lower the thermostat tonight and misplace her extra blankets.  Because is it my house and I pay the bills up in here.  Am I leaving the door open?  Yes, and as a matter of fact, I do live in a barn.  Payback is a bitch.

To all of my family and friends,

Happy Thanksgiving!

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A couple of weeks ago, I saw a mother shopping in Walmart wearing fish net stockings.  Despite the mental image of a mother wearing fish net stocking in Walmart, does anyone look good in fish net stockings?  Have you ever looked at someone wearing fish net stockings and thought, “Classy”.  It is one of the few items of clothing that I am surprised people still wear, outside of Halloween.  Here’s a tip:  Unless you are a prostitute, or make bank deposits in the form of a thousand one-dollar bills, burn the fish net stockings.  You do not look as good or as hot as you think you do.  Trust me.  Burn them now and thank me later, unless you are trying to send the message that your daddy failed.  I’m just sayin …

The only acceptable leg with fish net stockings. Christmas Story, Classic!

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