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Posts Tagged ‘secrets’

So, last February, my wife and I were enjoying a lovely Valentine’s dinner and I had what in my opinion was a brilliant idea: Anti-Valentine’s Day.  Now don’t get me wrong, I am not actually against Valentine’s Day.  As matter of fact, I enjoy Valentine’s Day a lot, but I got to wondering about how fake it might be, or at least has become.  You may have heard people say, “I don’t celebrate V-Day, because everyday is V-Day.”  Well, other than the fact that this is usually a statement made by guys, the lazy, and people in general full of BS, it did make me ponder about the authenticity of V-Day.

Why was I so interested in creating Anti-Valentine’s Day?  The simple answer is, I don’t know, but the more complicated answer involves a trip down memory lane involving “The Salmon Incident”.  My wife and I were in a long-distance relationship in the beginning.  She lived in Oxford, England.  I liked Oxford.  I would have moved there if I did not have ties in the US.  Nonetheless, whenever I visited she would cook me a nice dinner on the first night, usually salmon.  I am sure you are aware of England’s reputation for fish and chips, but they also, according to my wife, have excellent salmon.  She would rave about the high quality of their salmon and how it was the best she ever tasted.  So, she used my visits as an excuse to cook salmon.  After the fifth or sixth time she cooked me salmon, I finally had to tell her, “I’m not a huge fan of salmon.”  It’s not that I hate salmon, but if I only had salmon once a year or every couple of years, I would be just fine.  Needless to say, she stopped cooking me salmon and now every time we discuss the need to not have secrets in our relationship, we refer back to the ‘The Salmon Incident’.

So, it got me thinking about relationships.  I bet every relationship has secrets.  I am not talking about big secrets, like a secret love child, but little secrets, like I hate that one shirt that you always wear.  So, during our Valentine’s Dinner, I revealed to my wife an idea for a new holiday, Anti-Valentine’s Day.  At first she was dubious.  She felt strongly that this was a veiled attempt at getting permission to tell her a secret.  After ten minutes of convincing her that I had did not have any big surprises for her, and thereby ruining Valentine’s Day, she was willing to hear me out.

Here is how it works:  Once a year, I recommend February 15, you get to share one secret with your significant other.  Again, this is NOT big secret day, but a little secret.  I think it should be the day after Valentine’s Day, that way you don’t miss out on getting some, because you ain’t getting any after Anti-Valentine’s Day.  For example, I told this idea to a friend of mine, and he had a little secret immediately.  I was actually surprised how quickly he had his secret, it was clearly ready and loaded in the chamber.  He was upset that his wife never empties the trash.  She will allow the trash to pile as high as the ceiling, but she will never take it out.  This is a great example of a secret to be shared on Anti-Valentine’s Day.  How would this not be positive for any relationship?

Now would be a good time to apologize to any unsuspecting person on the receiving end of this idea.  If you choose to do this with your spouse and it blows up in your face, do not blame me.  But aren’t these the secrets that grow and fester in any relationship?  It is easy to let things go in the beginning, the lust phase, but what about 5-10 years down the road?  When will you pick up the dirty underwear off the floor and snap?  The 10th time?  100th time?  Hence, Anti-Valentine’s Day, the savior or destroyer of relationships.  My wife stated that in order for this day to work, there must be rules agreed upon by both parties.  For example:  The secret can’t be huge, it must be a minor secret that falls in the annoying category.  You cant’ get mad.  If you agree to do this, know blowing up at your partner.  It must be something that can actually be changed and surgery doesn’t count.  If you are not happy with your partner’s breast or penis size, well, you just need to come to terms with that.  This also includes being overweight.  If you think your partner is too fat, well, good luck with that one.

So, what is your salmon incident?  Do you have something you have always wanted to tell your spouse, but it has gone on too long and you are afraid it is too late?  If so, maybe Anti-Valentine’s Day is for you.  If you try it, I would love to hear how it went, but don’t blame me if it goes horribly wrong.

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My wife kept pushing me to reveal my secret, convinced I was hiding something.  The only thing I had was that she often left a room and kept the lights on.  She also does this thing where she will walk into the living room while I am watching TV and complain that I have all the curtains closed.  She will then open all the curtains and say, “That’s better.” and then leave.  What?  She doesn’t do this anymore, because I have already told her, but if I hadn’t it would be a great candidate for Anti-Valentine’s Day.  The question is not what is your issue, but how quickly will it jump to your brain upon reading this blog?  Was it 10 seconds? A minute?  Or immediately upon reading relationship secret?  I’m just sayin’ …

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So, recently I had an experience with someone where I was asked, very politely, to NOT write about what just happened in my blog.  They did not even want me to change the characters, or pick a different, but similar subject matter to write about, because as they put it, “Even if only you and I knew what the real story was, please don’t write about it in your blog.”  Just in case you are wondering, it was NOT my wife.  The funny thing is, this is not the first time this has happened to me.

When I first started writing this blog, about a year ago, I made it very clear that I wanted my blog to be random, with very little redeeming value.  Most importantly, I wanted to write what was on my mind.  As my friend Corey put it, I had things I wanted to say.  As a reader, I am sure that some of my blogs were good and some were bad, but all of them, for one reason or another were thoughts that for whatever reason entered my head.  Some blogs were written because of an experience, some were truly random thoughts, and some were things that I thought would be funny, but most of my blogs are not written about a specific event or person in my life, with the exception of myself, and to a lesser extent my children, especially my oldest son.  However, even my parenting blogs are more about me, rather than my children.  Nonetheless, I have a series of stories that I could have told, had it not been for my conscious decision to not tell personal stories about other people.

So, when I was asked, once again to not write about a particular event in my blog, it got me thinking:  How many times have people asked me not to write about what just happened?  I don’t know what the actual number is, but at least 20 times.  As far as I know I have kept my promise, although I have a list of stories I wish I could tell.  Maybe I will write all of the stories that I have been asked not to tell, but I just won’t publish them.  Then I will save them in a special file, possibly to be used later, when the time is right.  For example, if someone decides to run for office, or if I need a really big favor.  Is that wrong?  Probably, but I do find the idea of it very funny.  Hey Buddy, remember that time I promised I would not write about that ‘dog incident’?  And you know who you are.  Maybe you wouldn’t mind if I borrowed your car for the weekend.  Or something like that.

I wonder if reporters and columnist have to deal with this kind of thing.  Think about therapists; they must have tons of stories that they can’t tell.  Everyone has skeletons in their closets, but few people actually know where they are hidden.  Some people know where multiple people’s skeletons are hidden, like me.  I am not sure if I like that, but it does give me a sense of power.  Which is kind of cool.  (Insert evil laugh here.)

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Explain to me why people think it is OK to have a conversation in the middle of a hallway or walkway.  Why must I say “Excuse me” or have to weave through your butts to get down the stairs or move through the hallway.  Is there a reason why you can’t respect the passageway and automatically let people by?  And don’t give me that evil look when I make you move, it is the freakin’ stairway!  I’m just sayin …

 

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