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Posts Tagged ‘toilet’

So, recently I have seen what television turns into at 2 o’clock in the morning and it is not pretty.  Normally I am not up at 2am and if I am, I am usually working.  As a matter of fact, I don’t recall watching TV in the middle of the night for several years now.  So, when I had a tummy ache Saturday night and no desire to go down to my cold basement to watch Scrubs Season 6 or play Wii Lego Harry Potter, I decided to watch some good ol’ fashion television.  I was shocked!

Let’s start the show with a little Comedy Central playing one of my favorite comics, Louis C.K.  (Check out a very funny bit from Jay Leno)  I turn on the station and get my blankets in place and get comfortable on the couch, when I hear the word F#@& and Motherf#@&er.  And I’m like WHAT!?!  I continue to listen to the comedy act on television, granted cable television, but still, NOT a Pay channel, and the cuss words are just flying.  Not a single bleep in sight.  So, it got me thinking, what else is on television right now.  And leave it to TV that gives so much and asks so little, I give you …

Shop Erotic on the Oxygen Channel.  Now, I have no idea what the Oxygen channel is or why it named after a gas necessary for animal life, but there it was hosted by two women dressed very professionally.  Had it not been for the products they were selling, like the Turbo Glider, or the Deluxe Rabbit Pearl, both of which are for females and I could not tell you what they are or what they do to save my life, but nonetheless, there they were for all the world to see and to buy, and apparently 30% off, what a bargain.  But seriously, had it not been for the products, it would have looked like any other ordinary shopping channel.  The women spoke very professionally and spoke about the special features of the new vibrating pink dildo like you would of a special grilling feature of a Foreman Grill.  When did this happen?

Nowadays, most people have at least basic cable.  And under normal during-the-day circumstances, there is nothing on basic cable that would surprise me.  Even when Comedy Central airs comics, they bleep out most of the bad words.  When did the FCC say it was OK to do anything you want after 2am?  I had no idea this was going on.  Am I appalled? Not really, but I am shocked.  I have no plans on writing my congressman, but I was quite surprised by what I was seeing on TV.  And of course, I watched for at least 20 minutes of all this, mainly because it was like watching a car wreck, I could not turn away.  And yes, I did order like 100 bucks worth of stuff, but that was purely for research.  No, just kidding, I did not order anything, but it did get me thinking about people watching TV at 2am.  If you are sitting on your couch, watching TV at 2am on a regular basis, and you don’t have an excuse like insomnia, illness, or woken up by a baby, than you might need to evaluate your life.  I won’t say reevaluate your life, because if I am speaking about you, then you probably have never evaluated your life to begin with.

Is this new training, and if so, for what?

 

So, I finally, I change the channel, and what do I see?  The Shake Weight.  

COME ON!!

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I have relatively few absolute beliefs, but one absolute belief I have is that you should never run out of toilet paper.  Toilet paper is one of the few items that if you were to go to the store right now and buy 1000 rolls, they would not go to waste.  As a matter of fact, at some point, you would have to buy more toilet paper.  So, the idea of running out of toilet paper is ludicrous.  So, nothing angers me more than to sit down for my daily constitution and to look up and see that there is no toilet paper.  Sacrilege.  This should never ever happen.  And can someone explain to me why the idea of running out of toilet paper only occurred when I started living with a woman.  What you are you ladies doing with the stuff?  Seriously, are you rolling your entire hand and making a toilet paper glove?  I’m just sayin …

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Prelude:  I am particularly proud of this year’s resolution.  So read to the bitter end if you want to know what it is this year.  It is a doozy and 99% guaranteed to succeed.  Anyhoo, you know I have been blogging since July?  If you are one of my regular readers, THANKS!  You are awesome!  I still can’t believe people read my ramblings, but I sure do appreciate it.  I plan on doing a Blog Remix before January ends, so stay tuned.

So, it is New Year 2011 and it brings my first major annoyance of the year.  You see, I try to do cardio at least once a week.  I shoot for two, but I do not hate myself if I can only get in one cardio workout a week at the Y.  I usually go when my son is at swim lessons, so it works out.  However, I hate going to the Y in January to mid February.  Why?  It is simple, New Years resolutions.

You see although I only go about once a week, I am considered a regular.  As a regular for the last couple of years I can also recognize the other regulars.  One thing I notice in January is that there is about a 100% population rise in the gym.  It is the only time that I have to wait in line for an elliptical machine.  You know what this means?  About 50% of the YMCA membership is people who only go to the gym one to one and half months out of the year.

It has got me thinking about New Year’s resolutions.  Does anyone keep their resolutions?  Why make them?  Does it give people a sense of accomplishment that they INTEND to be better.  How about just be better.  I am stepping up my workouts because I have decided I would like to live as long as possible.  You would think this is an obvious conclusion, but it’s not.  It is a new feeling ever since my daughter was born and I realized that when she turns 20, I will be 60.  I realize that in this modern medical age 60 is not old, but I think 60 is only young if you are in good shape.  If you are in bad shape, 60 is old.

A friend of mine’s father passed over the New Year’s weekend.  It was a surprise.  He died of a massive heart attack and it got me thinking, tomorrow is not promised to anyone.  So, I can’t rely on New Year’s resolutions to get in better shape, or tighten up the ship (Although I did make a resolution for 2011. See below), the time is NOW.  So, if you have a desire to be better in some way or another, then make it a daily resolution, because we all fall and we all mess up.  Don’t be a yearly resolution person, because tomorrow is not guaranteed, there is only today, and even that might be cut short.

Happy New Year everyone!

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Every so often I have to take a piss in the dark.  It is usually when I go to bed late and I do not want to turn on the lights to wake up my wife or baby daughter.  Luckily for me I almost never get up in the middle of the night to go to the bathroom.  That makes me happy as it hopefully means my prostate is still about the size of a walnut.  Anyhoo, I find it fascinating that despite the fact that the toilet bowl is about a foot in diameter, there is no guarantee that I will be pee accurate in the dark.  Which brings me to my New Year’s resolution.  I will get 99% of my urine into the toilet bowl this year.  TMI?  Probably, but the penis does not always shoot straight.  I might invent a penis laser sight.  That be awesome! Who wouldn’t buy that?  I’m just sayin …

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