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Posts Tagged ‘food’

So, are you frustrated because you can’t lose that last 5, 10, or 50 lbs of “baby” fat?  Have you tried every diet under the sun and nothing seems to work?  Then come on down to Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp.  We guarantee that you will lose weight or wonder why you ever cared about losing weight in the first place or your money back.

Why is our fat camp better than other fat camps?  Simple … Deprivation.  We will deprive you of EVERYTHING you hold dear, including oxygen.  That’s right, oxygen.  You see other fat camps give you way too much oxygen.  No wonder you fail.  Here is how it works:

First we give you a lovely cabin in the woods above 9,000 ft.  Trust me, at this elevation, walking to the bathroom will burn more calories than you ever imagined.  A select few will lose 5 to 10 pounds in the first night!  Who says altitude sickness is a bad thing1?

1We can’t guarantee altitude sickness, results will vary.

At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we will not restrict your diet, eat as much as you want.  We will not make you do any crazy exercises, like jumping jacks, situps, or exercise machines, heck we won’t even make you jog if you don’t want to, but trust me, you will want to.  The only thing you will have to do is enjoy nature and trap a few marmots.

After a couple of days in the cabin, we will take you on a nice 20 minute drive up the mountain.  You won’t believe how beautiful the scenery will be from your car seat.  We will stop at a parking lot and then take a stroll up the hill to 11,000 feet!  Just above 11,000 feet you will receive a brief rest and a small pack of trail mix.  We won’t rush you, because we won’t need to.  The only thing we ask is that you DON’T TURN AROUND, because the vehicle you came in, is gone.  Oh by the way, I almost forgot, don’t forget your backpack, it contains the only food you will be allowed to eat for the next couple of days.  Why is it 50 pounds?  Because we have partnered you up with someone who can’t carry as much, so you will be carrying food, water and sleeping gear for two.

But wait, there’s more.  To add to the adventure of your hike, as an added bonus, we have made the last mile of your journey in over four feet of snow.  It also just so happens that the last mile is the steepest.  Yeah!!!  I hope you brought enough water, because by the time you reach the top you will be drenched in sweat.  Didn’t bring enough water, don’t worry there is water everywhere.  And as an added bonus, the more water you drink from God’s beautiful nature, the more weight you will lose.  Who says giardia is a bad thing2?

2We are not medical doctors.  According to medical doctors, giardia IS a bad thing.  However, those that contract giardia have been known to lose significantly more pounds than those without giardia.  Individual results will vary.

We will set up base camp at around 11,000 feet.  And you thought it was hard to move around at 9,000 ft.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, we go that extra 2,000 feet and more for you.  You see, the marmots are not at base camp, we must hike that extra 500 feet to find them.  And we must do it multiple times a day.  Those traps are not going to set themselves.  Plus, the traps are not there already, so you will carry them up to the top of the mountain.  We know walking is easy for you, so we have provided a challenge to your walking feet, and that is lots and lots of rocks.  Rocks everywhere!  Don’t twist that ankle, because twisted ankles are for losers, and you are a winner.  But wait, there’s more!  Don’t like to jog?  Who does?  But as we said, we do not force jogging at Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, but we do provide lightning.  Just about every afternoon while you are on top of the mountain trapping marmots, you will hear thunder.  You don’t have to run, but we recommend it.  You will see those pounds melt away each afternoon3.

3We are not responsible for broken ankles or being struck by lightning as you careen down the mountain.  Lightning does not cause increased fat loss, but running does.  Individual results will vary.

After trapping on the mountain, you will feel better, refreshed.  You will barely recognize yourself as you return to the parking lot below.  And for an extra fee, we can make sure that the car is gone when you return.  That’s right, why not walk all the way to your cabin.  You will feel better, and you won’t even recognize yourself when you walk through that door.

So, come on up.  Give us a try.  At Brett’s Marmot Fat Camp, where the marmots will be getting fat, while you are getting thin.
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We are walking down the mountain and my son asks if we are going to go up again.  In my mind I am thinking that this boy has paid his dues.  He has already gone up the mountain multiple times, hiked up steep mountains in snow, spent the night in less than luxury conditions and helped trap marmots.  So I said, “I am going back up, but you don’t have to if you don’t want to.”

“I would like to go back up.”  He said.  I told him, “That’s awesome, really awesome.”  I almost cried.  I’m just sayin …

My Study Animal: The Yellow-bellied Marmot

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So, I was planning on playing a little golf today, but I did not.  Do you know why?  I didn’t play because it was too cold and windy.   That’s right, too cold.  Do you know what today is?  It’s May 26th.  In less than one week it will be June.  If I could punch Wisconsin weather in the face, I would.  Annoying as Wisconsin weather can be, even this is an abnormal May for Wisconsin.  It could be worse.  I could have a tornado going down my street.  I’ll say this much, if one was to predict the Rapture, this was certainly a good year for it.  Sheesh.

Complaining aside, the weather was not what I wanted to blog about.  I am about to get on my high horse.  Ye be warned says I.

About a week ago, the big wigs of McDonald’s decided not to ban Ronald McDonald.

At least he is not obese.

You may be asking yourself, why would McDonald’s consider banning their icon of 50 years?  I’ll tell you why.  Over a year ago,  the same corporate watchdog group (Corporate Accountability International) that got rid of Joe Camel set its sights on getting rid of Ronald McDonald.  The argument is simple:  McDonald’s is trying to target your kids and convince them through the magic of advertising that McDonald’s is where they want to eat.  If you have kids, you know as well as I do that McDonald’s has succeeded in their goal.

Here is the problem I have with stories like this:  Who’s responsibility is it to make sure that your kids are eating properly?  Because the last time I checked, five-year-olds are not driving to McDonald’s and ordering a Happy Meal.  It’s McDonald’s job to get your kids to want to eat at McDonald’s.  It is the parent’s job to monitor what the child eats.  Am I to believe that it is now McDonald’s job to be a fast food restaurant and a parent?  I don’t think so.  When I was a kid I didn’t eat McDonald’s every day.  You know why?  Because my mom wouldn’t allow it.  My wife takes our kids to the McDonald’s Playland without ordering food.  She can do this because she is in charge of our kids.  What a concept!  A parent in charge of the kids.

I hope Ronald McDonald does get fired.  Not because of his influence on kids, but because I hate clowns.  If a restaurant wants to get rid of trans fats, or give happy meals a fruit option, or if an owner wants to put caloric information on menus, fine, but don’t make it a law.  You know who makes the laws in my house?  I do.  And if you can’t keep your 3-year-old from eating a Happy Meal, the problem isn’t a big, floppy red boot wearing clown, it’s you.  Parent your child and make the right choices for them, so that when they get older, maybe, just maybe, they will know why having a daily Big Mac may not be the best plan.

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I am not a sushi guy.  I don’t hate sushi, but I would never travel to a restaurant for the sole reason of eating sushi.  If you are a sushi person, this is what you would do and have done.  Nonetheless, the best sushi I have ever eaten was from a restaurant in Vancouver, Canada.  First of all, Vancouver may be the best city I have ever been to, EVER, and I have been to a lot of different cities on this planet.  I went to a Japanese restaurant on a recommendation and I was not disappointed.  I knew it was going to be good, because 90% of the people eating there were Japanese.  Most people were talking in Japanese, including the restaurant staff.  The sushi was so fresh that my fish begged me not to eat him, telling me this crazy story of how he was trying to find his dad.  He was delicious.  Best sushi and best Japanese restaurant I have ever been to.  You may not be aware of this, but the West coast of North America has a long history of Japanese immigration.  This was especially problematic during World War II.  Over 100, 000 Japanese were placed in internment camps.  I bet you didn’t know that the US had internment camps.  Well, we did.  I bet you won’t find that in your 8th grade history book.  I’m just sayin …

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So, I am at home visiting the family for Thanksgiving.  My wife, and three kids braved the crazy airport scene to arrive in California where most of my family resides.  If you can avoid LAX, I highly recommend it.  We landed at 8:45 pm and did not get out of the airport until 10:15.  Here is the thing, we got all of our bags at 9:20.  It took us almost an hour just to get out of the airport, CRAZY!  The bizarre thing is that I was born and raised in LA, but now this place feels like a foreign country to me.

If you are from the Midwest, which now I must say I am a Midwesterner (You have no idea how sad it is to write that.  I am even looking at it now and thinking if I should erase it, but sadly, I can’t, the Midwest is my home now. Sad clown), you should consider a trip to LA for the experience.  I promise you, the city will not let you down.  It starts with the flight into the airport, where you will see more lights on the ground then possibly anywhere else on the planet (and I have been to a lot of the planet).  When you arrive, you will see every walk of life; black, white, hispanic, asian, muslim, greek, jews, gentiles, you name it, they will be there.  Also, foreign languages will be spoken all around you.  When I go to the grocery store near my mom’s house, the dominant language by far is Spanish.  You might find that odd, I find it very cool.  The bottom line is, despite having way too many people, too many cars, traffic at 3am, and times of smog that could kill a canary, I love LA.  However, I now must say, great place to visit, but I wouldn’t want to live here.

Alright, now that was a huge digression.  I want to talk about family, my family, all of my family.  On Thanksgiving we ate at my Dad’s house. 

This picture is nothing like dinner at our house. First of all there are no ribs in the picture. Secondly, there is no can-shaped cranberry sauce (A must have. Don't eat, but must have). And who eats fresh green beans? Where is the green bean crap?

At the house were my father, stepmother, stepsisters and their families, my stepbrother and his family, my sister and her kids, my cousins, my family, some random people I didn’t know and my mom.  There was like 35 of us.  The dinner was planned and hosted by my stepmom and it was a great time.  There were babies everywhere and multiple generations.  We shared stories, laughed, and ate; we ate a lot.  Looking around the gathering I couldn’t help but think to myself, this is who I am, this is me.  All of this is what has made me who I am and if you are like me, I would encourage you to embrace that fact.  Your family and my family has made us who we are today.

My sister who tells a story of my father’s arrogance.  She says, “Am I right? He is arrogant!”  My father notices that no one is disagreeing with her.  Everyone in the room doesn’t say a word as everyone looks at each other and bust out laughing because we all know it’s true.  Even my mom chimes in on how my father has the ability to smooth talk his way through any situation, fully expecting to get his way. – this is me.

We share how my mother used to make all of us stand in line at the grocery store as she headed back into the store to find more items.  If she came back and we did not hold our position, or if the checker made us move, she would get mad at us for not standing our ground.  Always stand your ground. – this is me.

My father talked of not knowing his father and being raised by his mother.  It is very clear that despite not being raised by his father that he did not take that path.  He broke his cycle, and became a father to his kids, all of his kids.  You see, my sister’s dad is not my dad, nor my older brother’s, and obviously not my stepbrother’s and stepsisters’, but you wouldn’t know it in that room.  He may not be the father by blood, but he is father by action. – this too is me.

I hope you had a wonderful Thanksgiving, I hope you spent the time with your family.  Maybe it was stressful, maybe it was joyous, maybe your drunk uncle got out of control again, but remember this:  Your family has made you who you are, some for the good, and some for the bad, but all you, and if you take a moment, you will see the little origins of you in the faces and actions of your family members.

I could go on and on with family stories from this weekend, but what I will remember most is that we may not be the Brady Bunch, the Cleaver’s or even the Cosby’s, but we are truly the Modern Family.  They made me who I am.  And remember this, if your family is the best at pushing your buttons, you shouldn’t be surprised because they are the ones that installed them.  Happy Thanksgiving everyone!

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I went golfing with my father, brother and stepbrother yesterday.  It was awesome.  So awesome we are going to try to do it every year.  The funny thing is we all complained of the cold.  I live in Wisconsin, so it made me laugh because the temperature was about 60.  I now know why I hate Wisconsin winters so much, I clearly have a California weather gene.  I’m just sayin …

I’m Just sayin … (Part II)

Is it just me or when you go home you walk through a time warp and the family dynamics become that of when you were a kid?  I’m a grown-ass man with kids, but when I am home I can’t help but wonder why it’s Thanksgiving and my mom has not made my apple pie yet.  I may throw a tantrum soon.  Wrong? Yes, but true.  I’m just sayin …

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So, this week McDonald’s has brought back the McRib. Now for those of my readers that actually know me, you know that I can throw down some barbecue. People have raved about my homemade BBQ sauce and I have even barbecued for a wedding. There is a camp in California (Calvin Crest) where the program coordinator has been trying to perfect my sauce for the last 12 years. My mom, who is an expert, although would never admit it, is starting to use my techniques in her Q. She won’t admit it, but that is a fact.

Which brings me to the point of this blog. The McRib is back. The sauce is lacking, it has a tangyness that is weak, the pickles and onions are lackluster at best and the bun can be a tad pit rubbery, and I LOVE IT!

Maybe because it is hyped up, or maybe because it is offered for a limited time only, or maybe because it is laced with cocaine, I don’t know, but I get excited every year for it. Why? I don’t know. It is NOT quality food. For many of you, it is the Shamrock shake, also offered for limited time only, but people go crazy over that shake. It is the exact same shake as the rest of them, but with mint flavor and green food coloring. I don’t get it. I am confident that McDonald’s has a deal with the devil, an employed shaman, or crack dealers that add tiny bits of cocaine to their food items. The latter would at least explain how kids get hooked on the stuff and why I get excited over the McRib. Nonetheless, I will be getting another one today. Who’s with me?

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I wonder if limited time only is everything.  I love turkey.  Do you love turkey?  If you don’t it might mean that the person who is cooking it for you makes it dry.  I don’t like dry turkey, but good juicy turkey is the best.  After Thanksgiving, who doesn’t eat turkey everyday for at least a week.  However, the year after Thanksgiving, who eats turkey? No one. Turkey needs a new agent, or maybe it has the same agent as the McRib where Limited Time Only is everything.  I’m just sayin …

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So, this month we just celebrated the United States of America’s birthday and you know what I am going to buy the country? A Thigh Master (remember this?).  You know why?  We are too fat.  I know our First Lady is trying to get our kids in better shape, but it may be too late.  We have given up.  Yesterday, I went to a pizza buffet restaurant owned by a friend of mine.  I notice the same thing that I notice every time I go to an all-you-can-eat place, the people are huge.

Don’t get me wrong, I too am heavier than I should be.  I don’t exercise enough, I eat more than I should and my schedule can be extremely wacky.  To top things off, I am often seduced by the quickness and cheapness of McDonald’s.  A McDouble for a buck!  You can’t beat that!  I once posted on Facebook that I was going to rush down and eat the new Double Down at KFC  (http://www.kfc.com/doubledown/).  With pride I gave KFC credit for having an ad campaign as if to say “F#?k it, the country is fat, let’s ride the wave”.  And I went to KFC with the sole intention of ordering and eating a Double Down.  You know what happened?  I saw a big poster board of the sandwich and got to see it in all of its fatty heart clogging glory and couldn’t do it.  I chickened out (pun very much intended).  It just seemed wrong.  So, I lived vicariously through my buddy Corey, who said it is just god awful.  But the latest sandwich has inspired me to write this post.  What could be worse than a sandwich with chicken patties for buns?  How about grilled cheese sandwiches as buns?

That’s right, I give you the Grilled Cheese BurgerMelt (http://www.friendlys.com/whats-new/).  Really?  I mean really?  America, eat a piece of broccoli, grab some fruit, grill a breast of chicken, take a walk, go for a bike ride, GET OFF YOUR BUTT you big fat (insert expletive here!!!)  There, I said it, or at least implied it.  America, you are fat.  Now, I would never vote to make poor choices illegal, but at some point I just might have to walk over to the family of four with two kids under the age of 10 with a total combined family weight of 800 pounds making their fourth trip to the all-you-can-eat Chinese buffet, and slap the food out of their hands, slap the plates off the table, and then slap the parents.  I am sorry, but if your kid is 5 years old and weighs 100 pounds, you have done something wrong.  Am I blaming parents for childhood obesity?  You damn straight I am.

Now, to my friends, family, and myself, if you are overweight, I only ask one thing…

Don’t give up.  Yeah, it’s a struggle, but the buffets and midnight binges are not helping.  Seek help if necessary, not just a dietician, but maybe a therapist.  Be healthy.  Strive to live a life that is truly best for you and those around you.

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No, my daughter has NOT been born yet.  But the real question is why is everyone crazy when it comes to babies?  My wife looks 11 months pregnant and no one is more aware of that than her, but does that mean that every Teresa, Dina, and Harriet has the right to touch her, ask about her personal business, and retell their every known baby story on how Jane Schmoe also had a difficult pregnancy.  WE DON’T CARE!!!  I want the baby to be born because I am sick of everyone in the neighborhood asking me if the baby has been born yet.  See, this is what I get for talking to people.  I’m just sayin …

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