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Archive for July 18th, 2010

So, I was at Walmart the other day and had a recurring thought.  “Why is Walmart so ghetto?”  I mean it doesn’t matter where Walmart is located, I almost guarantee that the people who shop there on average will not look good.  If you have a disease, open sore, facial scar, bullet wound, two-year-old kid in a diaper at 3am in the morning, if it’s clearly laundry day, or if you are dressed for Halloween in June, then you are a Walmart shopper.  Don’t believe me?  Check out http://www.peopleofwalmart.com.

There could be a Walmart in Beverly Hills, and it would still be ghetto.  Now granted, I occasionally shop at Walmart, and I think every time, I have just raised the beauty level of this place a full point.  That’s I right, I just said that.  So, how do we rate beauty?  I love rating beauty.  It may sound cliché, but I almost always look at people and rate them on their looks.  Of course, mostly women, that’s how I roll.  Wrong? Maybe, but fun.  Now, when I rate, I am mostly interested in the global rating and I have discovered that beauty is highly dependent on location.  Beauty varies not only where in the country you are, but the specific place, for example, grocery store or discount store.  I could also talk about countries.  For example, I spent a month in Russia and was shocked how gorgeous the women were there.  I will save that topic for another blog.

As a result of this finding, it is crucial that when rating beauty we must use a handicap system.  I now present the Brett Beauty Handicapping System.  I am from LA, and I must say the most beautiful women in the world reside there, and therefore, they are the standard.  So, if a woman is an LA 10, she is a 10, period.  So, here is a list of beauty location categories (suggestions are always welcome):

Los Angeles/Hollywood :  0

Golf Course :  -1.5

Midwest :  -2.5

New York/East Coast :  -1

The Mall (It doesn’t matter where) :  -2

Walmart :  -3

Here is how this works.  If you play golf, you may have noticed that the cart girl is ALWAYS cute.  I am quite confident that it is a requirement for working at a golf course.  The interesting thing is they are never super cute, just cute enough to say “she was cute” and then move on.  Now, let’s say we saw the golf cart girl and we rated her as a 7.  Consider taking the same golf cart girl to a beach in LA.  Her new rating would be 5.5 in LA (golf course: -1.5).  So, when we see her, you must say she is a golf course 7.  You see how it works?  We could use this anywhere.  Feel free to modify as you see fit.

So, the moral of the story?  Beauty is NOT in the eye of the beholder, beauty is relative.  If you want to look more attractive, make sure you hang out with people that look worse than you.  Maybe this is why I don’t have any friends.  Yeah, you damn straight, I just said that.

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When a blind person goes to the bathroom and needs to wipe their bottom, how do they know when they are done?  I’m just sayin …

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